My Website!!!

If you liked my bits and pieces of writing on this site, try my NEW site, where there's excerpts from my novels and even some of my poetry!! More will be added as time goes on. ENJOY!!!!

https://sites.google.com/site/bloodyemoshadows

-BloodyShadows

Demon to Angel - Double S Productions

I've had a horrible weekend. And in it's honor, I wrote this poem for Alex. Life is hard right now but I'm trying. Alex, this one's for you. I love you <3.

Demon to Angel - Double S (Shade Shadows)

If I cut my wrist, will the blood be black?
If I pretend to be happy, will you buy the act?
If I cry all night, will my tears run red?
If I shut my eyes, will I wake up dead?

If I turn around, will you walk away?
If I hold you tight, do you swear you'll stay?
If I disappeared, would you look for me?
If we looked in a mirror, would you see what I see?

I see a Demon
with scars and black blood.
I see a disgrace; an awful mistake.
A fragile heart that's ready to break.

You see an Angel.
No marks; a pure soul.
You see perfection; no cracks in the glass.
You ignore the black blood; help the heartache to pass.

If I speak to you, will the words be right?
If I'm trapped in the dark, will you be my light?
If I told you I loved you, would you say it back?
If I was running away, would you help me pack?

If I cut my wrist, will the blood be black?
If I pretend to be happy, will you buy the act?
If I cry all night, will my tears run red?
If I shut my eyes, will I wake up dead?

If I turn around, will you walk away?
If I hold you tight, do you swear you'll stay?
If I disappeared, would you look for me?
Am I everything you thought I would be?

To the ends of the earth, I'll follow you.
You're changing this Demon; maybe for good.
I'm trying to be like an Angel would.
Through the fires of Hell, I'll stand by you.
For that is what we Angels do.
And my dear Alexander...it's because I love you.

I love you Alex. <3 We can make it through this. Don't quit on me now. I love you.

-BloodyShadows-

New Novel: Possession

Sorry it's been so long. I've had a lot of trouble at home. And I haven't been able to get on my computer very often. But I thought you should know that I'm writing a new novel called Possession. Here's chapter one...beware...(and when the demon talks, it's supposed to be in italics. This blog screws up formatting LOL).

Chapter One: Possessed – Day 18

My room was dark. It was always dark now. The darkness hurt less. The less I heard, the less my head hurt. The less I saw, the more I kept protected. I curled my knees up to my chest and dug my nails deeper into my scalp while sitting on my black sheeted bed.
“Why won’t you just disappear…?” I muttered, my usual blue-grey eyes now extraordinarily dark and bloodshot, my long straight black hair falling out of its ponytail and reaching my shoulder blades. Anyone who didn’t know me would assume I’d gone crazy; schizophrenic. But the truth…the truth was an unbelievable story all on its own.
“Can’t get rid of me, female…I’m a permanent fix…” The thing inside my head snarled at me. I didn’t know what it was. I was calling it a demon. It had a name. Supposedly it went by the name “Jess”. But I would never call it such out loud. To me, the demon was just “The It”.
I growled at it and dug my nails deeper; trying to hurt it; trying to make it shut up. Every time it spoke, my head throbbed. When it took over me, my memories blacked out. When it was awake and around others…it was out to hurt them; kill them in a sense.
“I can get rid of you…I can…” I snarled at it, wishing it would at least give me a few minutes of peace.
“Only in your dreams, girl, and even that is difficult…” It echoed through my mind. I tried to ignore it. I focused on my family; my older brothers, Zach and Troy, with their own personal issues. My younger sister Chloe with her perfection in everything. My parents who had an almost perfect marriage.
“And yet you’re the imperfect one, aren’t you female…?” The demon laughed in my head. I held in my comment and moved on to my friends; Kay with her badass personality and ability to handle anything and everything. Zoe with her optimism and her smile that any girl would die to have.
“You’re in between them…again, imperfect…outcast…you don’t match up…” It continued to laugh.
“Shut up…” I said. I meant for it to be a demand, but it came out as more of a plea than anything else. I didn’t want my mind to wander this far because the demon liked this part…As hard as I tried, I ended up thinking about my boyfriend; my one and only Logan.
“As yes…the boy…Mmm…” It said in quiet satisfaction as it marveled at my memories. The way his dark brown eyes sometimes glinted with an evil shine of desire or with so much emotion that it hurt. The way his hair, which was just as dark as his eyes and usually kept at medium length, sometimes stood up on one side, but not the other. The way his hands felt on me at anytime. The way my body seemed to fit perfectly against his. And especially the way his mouth would claim mine with just the right amount of desire, love, and respect.
“You stay away from him…he’s not yours…he’s mine…” I snarled at it, digging my nails so deep I was surprised blood wasn’t seeping through my fingers.
“Nothing is yours anymore…” It snapped at me. I had to give into my urge again. I dug around in my nightstand until I found what I was looking for; my pocketknife. As soon as I had it in my grasp, my hand let it go without my demand. It was controlling me now…
“Go to Hell…” I snapped at it, digging around in my nightstand again.
“Been there, done that…your turn…” It sneered at me. I got a firm grip on a pencil with a missing eraser. Using a lot of effort, I bit the metal edge into a sharp point. The thing used to like the pain because it hurt me…now it hated it because it could feel the pain now too; we’d become too connected.
I had to force my left arm straight. Once I had that done, I relaxed, making the demon settle. When my head was back to its usual pounding, I slammed the pencil’s edge into my arm. It hissed and tried to make me pull back.
“No…shut up…shut up…shut up!!” I screamed as I raked the metal edge down my arm. It hurt worse than the headache, but after several slices, the demon was silent and my head no longer hurt.
“Now stay that way….” I choked out. There was a knock on my door.
“Jasey? Open the door.” Zach demanded. I tried to yell out “no” but all that came out was a sob. I fell over onto my side and curled up tighter. For once, there was no blood running down my arm, but the burn…the burn was so much worse.
“Jase?” Zach called again.
“GO AWAY…” I nearly screamed. I heard I shuffle of footsteps as Zach left the hallway.
“You’ve won another battle, female, but you’ve yet to win the war…” Jess snarled quietly.
“SHUT…UP!!!” I screamed. I got up and flung my nightstand drawer open, snatching the brown Melatonin bottle from the bottom. I unscrewed the cap and dumped three of the small white pills into my hand.
“Twelve hours of sleep won’t get rid of me…” It laughed.
“It may not get rid of you but it’ll knock me out long enough to get some peace!” I exclaimed, shoving them all into my mouth and choking them down dry. I was quick to scramble back into my bed and cover my head with my hands as I shook. I clung to Logan’s hoodie like it was life support and ignored my phone as it vibrated with Logan’s ringtone again…He had to stay away from me…
It’d been so long since I’d been normal; so long since I had an empty mind. The demon had been around for weeks now…two and a half to be exact. No one could make it go away, not even Logan. No, it wanted Logan…it was after him…it wanted to hurt him. Thank God Logan was able to find a way to hurt it first when it’d tried. I usually kept it away from him. I only dared to come in contact with him if Jess was asleep…asleep and unaware.
As the sleep medication started to shove me into a shaky sleep, I could still hear the demon laughing at me.
“Unwanted…imperfect…outcast…” It continued to rant. I did my best to ignore it. Instead, I eased myself into thoughts about the beginning. I remembered faintly how things used to be…and clearly how the thing had ruined my life literally from the inside out.

School's in Session

Well...summer is over. Back to the books, the pointless homework, the impossible tests, and the teenage drama. Welcome to....school *dramatic dark music*. LOL. Nah, it's not so bad. Think about it. You've got something to do, something to keep you busy, and you get to see your peoples.

I know my summer was full of stupid drama. Family issues, funerals (RIP DYLAN M. MUDD), and a secret summer romance. Yes, Alex actually decided to sneak over in the mornings. My parents knew but stayed out of it for the most part. His parents have no clue, though he was almost caught once. And honestly, I miss my summer romance. Waking up and watching the sun finish rising with Alex and sitting on the driveway talking, stealing a few *cough cough a lot cough cough* of kisses here and there. It was definitely one of the sweetest things Alex has ever done for me. And I miss it a lot. School just isn't the same. Though we've worked out our schedules in just 3 days so that we know where to meet. :) And that's always a good thing. I love him lots and lots and lots. :D :D :D :D <3 <3 <3 <3 XD XD XD XD

I'd say that was the best of my summer. The worst? Well...obviously Dylan (God love him) and his accident. But if I had to pick something else? I'd say either all the family drama with my brothers or...Hm....yeah those to things seem to work. But all in all, it wasn't so bad. School is a pain though. I bet it's just as bad for you. I know I haven't kept ya'll very entertained lately. And I'm sorry. But with all the drama, I just haven't had the time. I'll try to post more. :/

Other than that, I did a few other things this summer. I got to see my friend Hilly for a day. She came up from AL (LOVES U HILLYZ!!) and I had a few sleep overs with friends. 2 with Meagan and Ally-Ally (LOVES U TWOz!!) and 1 or 2 with my friend Sia. It's been fun. But also a little slow. I spent a lot of time out running around; getting my permit (which has gotten very little use), reading (I think I read...let's see....4 or 5 books this summer. Maybe more), writing, and going for walks. Not to mention all the drama with my friends (U know who I'm talking about).

I hope you all had a good summer and I hope school isn't so bad this year. Good luck to the Freshies, Cheers to the Sophomores, Fingers Crossed for the Juniors, and Fireworks for the Seniors out there. Have a good school year (or @ least try)!! I'll post back as soon as I can (asaic)

-BloodyShadows-

Song of the Day: Weightless - All Time Low

Here's an awesome song for you. Sorry I haven't been posting much. It's been a busy summer.

Weightless - All Time Low

Manage me I'm a mess
Turn a page, I'm a book
Half unread

I wanna be laughed at
Laughed with, just because

I wanna feel weightless
And that should be enough

Well I'm stuck in this fucking rut
Waiting on a second hand pick me up
And I'm over, getting older

If I could just find the time
Then I would never let another day go by
I'm over, getting old

Maybe it's not my weekend
But it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction
To everything I fear
Cause I've been going crazy I don't want to waste another minute here

Make believe that I impress
That every word
By design
Turns a head

I wanna feel reckless
I wanna live it up, just because

I wanna feel weightless
Cause that would be enough

If I could just find the time
Then I would never let another day go by
I'm over, getting old

Maybe it's not my weekend
But it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction
To everything I fear
Cause I've been going crazy I don't want to waste another minute here

This could be all that I've waited for
(Waited, I've waited for)
And this could be everything
I don't wanna dream anymore

Maybe it's not my weekend
But it's gonna be my year
And I've been going crazy
I'm stuck in here

Maybe it's not my weekend
But it's gonna be my year (it's gonna be my year)
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere (go nowhere)
And this is my reaction
To everything I fear (everything I fear)
Cause I've been going crazy I don't want to waste another minute here

I'm Back & Better Than Ever!!

Alrighty, what's up readers?

Sorry I've been absent. A lot as been going on. I suppose I should try to fill you in, true? Let's see...where do I start....OH! Yeah. Ok, for those of you who have been wanting to read the book written by me and Alex, I've decided to call it "For Death Does Not Part". Part one is typed and edited and part two is typed and in the process of editing. Those of you who wish to read it, please contact me. Next, you all heard about my cousin, Dylan. I'm doing better; we all are. But it still hurts and the whole thing still bothers me very much. I miss him more than words ca express and the pain will never go away. But I'm much better, as are most of us here at home.

As for the summer, it's not going as a summer should. Most summers are enjoyable. Mine's been all hectic and depressing. But I've decided I'm going to try to be happy. I know that Dylan's absence and my family's problems are going to affect me. But I'm going to try to be a happier person. I've continued adding to my Green Day scrapbook and my music collection. I've tried to spend more time with my friends. I talk to Alex whenever he calls (He's in Arkansas at the moment) and even though I had a few days where I wanted to take a break, I'm better now and I'm as in love with him as the day I met him. The reason I thought about the break was because I wanted my life to fall back into place. But it's slowly starting to do so, and that's making me feel a lot better. (LOVE YOU BABE!!!)

What else....ok, here's some stuff. This coming school year, I'll be a sophomore, which means harder classes and more work. So the posts here may be a little lacking, hence why I'm writing this one now. I'll do my best to keep up with it. And I've got another means of getting to know me. If you go to www.yahoo.com/pulse and look up either Kat J. or KTPayne, you'll find my profile. If you're curious as to me and my life, check that out. I'm sure by now you know my playlist (www.playlist.com Look up KTPayne).

I've decided that I'm going to try to help people with their problems. I was thinking maybe looking into a career in counciling or therapy, but I think I'll stick with being an author. But I WILL use my skills to help others. I want to help people and save lives if I can. I won't let anyone who died of suicide or addiction or depression die in vain. I'm going to help people. If you need help, PLEASE e-mail me at knowurenemy13@yahoo.com.

Alright, I've got to go and crash. I'll be back and waiting!!!

-BloodyShadows-

R.I.P. Dylan M. Mudd

My cousin Dylan died on June 6, 2010. I don't want to put details, but I will say that Dylan was the BEST cousin anyone could've EVER asked for. And I dedicate this song to him. R.I.P. My cousin Dylan......I love you Dylan. I miss you.

Go - Boys Like Girls

Little change of the heart,
little light in the dark
little hope that you just might find
your way up outta here
cause you’ve been hiding for days,
wasted and wasting away
but I’ve got a little hope
that today you’ll face your fears
yeah I know it’s not easy,
I know that it’s hard
follow the lights to the city

get up and go,
take a chance and be strong
you could spend your whole life
holding on
don’t look back just go,
take a breath, move along
you could spend your whole life
holding on
you could spend your whole life
holding on

Believe the tunnel can end, believe your body can mend
yeah I know you can make it through,
cause I believe in you
So let’s go put up a fight,
let’s go make everything all right
go on and take a shot,
go give it all you’ve got
oh yeah I know it’s not easy,
I know that it’s hard
know it’s not always pretty

get up and go,
take a chance and be strong
you coulud spend your whole life
holding on
don’t look back just go,
take a breath, move along
you could spend your whole life
holding on
you could spend your whole life
holding on

Don’t wanna wake up to the telephone ring
"Are you sitting down?
I need to tell you something."
enough is enough;
you can stop waiting to breathe
and don’t wait up for me

get up and go,
take a chance and be strong
you could spend your whole life
holding on
don’t look back just go,
take a breath, move along
you could spend your whole life
holding on

get up and go,
take a chance and be strong
you could spend your whole life
holding on
don’t look back just go,
take a breath, move along
you could spend your whole life
holding on
you could spend your whole life
holding on
Don't spend you're whole life holding on
yeah

-BloodyShadows-

Perfect World

This, I have concluded, is my life at this moment in time. I want you to look at the lyrics. Put yourself in my shoes. Listen to it and look at the lyrics. AND PUT YOURSELF WHERE I'M AT. If you don't know where I'm at, email me and I'll tell you. knowurenemy13@yahoo.com. Please....just take the time to listen.

(Pictures are: Adam in the green, Ryan in the white from summer of 2003 I believe. Dad took them.)


"Perfect World"

I never could’ve seen this far
I never could’ve seen this coming
It seems like my world’s falling apart

Yeah

Why is everything so hard
I don’t think I can deal with the things you said
It just won’t go away

In a perfect world
This could never happen
In a perfect world
You’d still be here
And it makes no sense
I could just pick up the pieces
But to you
This means nothing
Nothing at all

I used to think that I was strong
Until the day it all went wrong
I think I need a miracle to make it through

Yeah

I wish that I could bring you back
I wish that I could turn back time
Cuz I can’t let go
I just can’t find my way
Yeah
Without you I just can’t find my way

In a perfect world
This could never happen
In a perfect world
You’d still be here
And it makes no sense
I could just pick up the pieces
But to you
This means nothing
Nothing at all

I don’t know what I should do now
I don’t know where I should go
I’m still here waiting for you
I’m lost when you’re not around
I need to hold on to you
I just can’t let you go

Yeah
Yeah

In a perfect world
This could never happen
In a perfect world
You’d still be here
And it makes no sense
I could just pick up the pieces
But to you
This means nothing
Nothing at all
You feel nothing,
nothing at all
Nothing at all

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxM6XYGd7Os (Lyrics included in video too)

-BloodyShadows-

Thank you GOD!!!

In spite of everything that has happened this week that has made me wish I were dead, I'm glad to say that Jesse is ok and he's back. :) He's still in the hospital and will be for a while. But he's awake and he's functioning and he's going to be ok. WE LOVE YOU JESSE!!!!!

-BloodyShadows

Please Read this One....

I was going to wait until the weekend to post again, but I wanted to get this out there. On Yahoo, I have a friend named Jesse Lyam Feilds. Recently, Jesse was in a bad accident. I won't say how or why because I'd rather keep it private for his sake and for his friends sake as well. But Jesse is in the hospital with a busted liver and a punctured lung. He had surgery to remove the liver (I suppose to get a transplant) and is now in a partial coma. Please keep Jesse in mind when you're praying to God. Jesse is a friend to a lot of people on Yahoo, and that includes mine. I barely got a chance to get to know him well, but from what I did know, Jesse is a great guy. No one wants to see Jesse go. Please, please, PLEASE keep him in mind when you're praying. We miss you Jesse. Get better. Don't leave us all behind. We love you.

-BloodyShadows-

Random Quiz Thingy LOL

I've been sorta manically depressed so I thought I'd do this just for the hell of it. Feel free to email me your answers. I need to be occupied.

1. Where are you right now? - Living room

2. What color are your eyes? - BlueGrey

3. What's your favorite band? - Green Day!

4. Who is your role model or idol? - Billie Joe Armstrong

5. What's your favorite quote? - "No one's really happy anyway. It's just not human."

6. If you could change your first name, what would it be? - Kasey or Shade

7. What's the best song ever written? - Hm Thats hard. Almost anything Green Day? LOL

8. How's your life? - Hell in a handbasket.

9. Three people you hate? - It, Its mother, Its father.

10. Any pet peeves? - When people don't listen to me

11. Who do you wish you were with right now? - Cory. Alex. Myself.

12. What do you wish you were doing? - Honestly? Government homework.

13. Who's the last person that said they loved you? - Alex.

14. How many bones have you broken? - None, surprisingly.

15. Wearing any jewelry? - Two sets of earrings, bracelet, dogtag necklace, ring

16. Do you like the stars? - Hell yes.

17. What's your favorite constellation? - Orien

18. Are you a lover, a hater, or both? - Both...Heh Heh

19. What do you think your theme song is? - @ the moment, In Too Deep by Sum 41.

20. Favorite TV show? - That 70's Show, George Lopez, Billy the Exterminator

21. What's your favorite video game? - Sonic Riders

22. Have any piercings? Where? - No, just ear pircings.

23. What's your dream job? - A best-selling author.

24. What are you going to name your first son? - Adrian Edward

25. What about your first daughter? - Annaliese Marie

26. Do you drink? - Not regulary, no.

27. The top 3 most important people to you? - Parents (count as 1), Alex, Elijah.

28. Do you prefer Ice cream or cake? - Depends on my mood...

29. Coke or Pepsi? - Pepsi actually.

30. Vampires or slayers? - Vampires!

31. Angels or Demons? - Real life, Angels. Novels, Demons! LOL

32. Would you rather be shot or stabbed? - Shot. Quick and easy.

33. Would you rather suffer from Insomnia or Schizophrenia? - Eh...Insomnia.

34. Would you prefer drugs or sex? - Seeing as I know nothing about either, IDK

35. Would you rather cut or burn yourself? - Burn.

36. What's your hair color? - Naturally brown and red. Added black and red.

37. What about your height? - 5'3

38. How old are you? - 15...

39. What's your GPA? 4.0 thank you very much

40. What's the funniest thing someone has told you? - Hillary said in AL, they say "Oh make sure you remember to recycle", but here in the hood, its "Hey bitch, save the mother f**king rain forest!" LO< It's hilarious cuz it's true!

41. You dream of living where? - Australia or California.

42. Who was your best teacher ever? - JBeucke!

43. What was your favorite year of school? - Eighth or Ninth Grade.

44. Where will your first job be/Where was your first job? - Hot Topic

45. How many people live in your house? - 5...

46. Ever been in love? - Yeah...4 times. (Initals of the boys: S?B, JAS, AMR, AJP)

LOL It's not as long as it could be. LOL

- BloodyShadows

Do You Understand?

Everyone has heard at least some of the album, American Idiot by Green Day. But how many people actually understand it? Everyone thinks American Idiot is about trashing the American society. But that's not what it is about. American Idiot is about finding your place in the world today. It's about trying to stand out and it's about being your own person. And my mission is to prove it.

I'm going to be working on a project. It'll be almost like a novel, but it's going to be about the words and meaning behind the album, American Idiot. If you know of any sites that give song meanings, please let me know. I'm going to show people what American Idiot really is. There's too much misunderstood emotion and too much background behind it to just let it be critized. So if you're interested in helping or you're interested in the report itself, let me know and I'll keep you updated. Thanks.

- BloodyShadows

More Music?

Sorry this is all I've got. Alex has my journal at the moment (left it with him by accident) and so I can't really write this down. So I'm gonna post the lyrics to Give Me Novacaine by Green Day. It's sort of my theme song right now. If you have a theme song or you have a song you'd like me to post, let me know. Thanks.

"Give Me Novacaine"

Take away the sensation inside
Bitter sweet migraine in my head
Its like a throbbing tooth ache of the mind
I can't take this feeling anymore

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine

Out of body and out of mind
Kiss the demons out of my dreams
I get the funny feeling and that's alright
Jimmy says it's better than here
I'll tell you why;

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me that I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine

Oh Novacaine...

Drain the pressure from the swelling,
This sensations overwhelming,
Give me a long kiss goodnight
and everything will be alright
Tell me, Jimmy, I won't feel a thing
So give me Novacaine

Song of the Day: Sooner or Later

Here's an awesome song by Breaking Benjamin. From the album We Are Not Alone, this is Sooner or Later. Unfortunately it isn't on my playlist, so go to YouTube and type in Sooner or Later - Breaking Benjamin to listen in. Thanks!!

"Sooner Or Later"

I want a normal life
just like a new born child
I am a lover hater
I am an instigator
You are an oversight
Don't try to compromise
I'll learn to love to hate it
I am not integrated

Just call my name
You'll be okay
Your scream is burning through my veins

Sooner or later you're gonna hate it
Go ahead and throw your life away
Driving me under, leaving me out there
Go ahead and throw your life away

You're like an infantile
I knew it all the while
You sit and try to play me
Just like you see on TV
I am an oversight
Just like a parasite
Why am I so pathetic
I know you won't forget it

Just call my name
You'll be okay
Your scream is burning through my veins

Sooner or later you're gonna hate it
Go ahead and throw my life away
Driving me under, leaving me out there
Go ahead and throw my life away

Sooner or later you're gonna hate it
Go ahead and throw our life away
Driving me under, leaving me out there
Go ahead and throw our life away

Throw our life away
Ooooo
Throw our life away

- BloodyShadows -

Shut Down?

I'm holding a poll about this blog. Please comment/email me so I can see what I should do. Concerning this blog, should I:

A.) Make it a random post like before

B.) Try to make it a weekly advice thing

C.) Shut it down completely

Let me know so I can figure out what to do. Thanks.

Breaking the Habits

Today is Tuesday, April 13th. And right now in my life, I am dealing with some major contradictions and some emotional issues. I figured I could use this little bad section of life and give you some advice. But first, it's story time.

I can't tell you much, due to privacy reasons, but I can tell you enough to help you (and maybe myself) out. Right now, my mom is telling me that I can't communicate with my brother Adam or his wife Jenna. She says it's because they are up to something again. But that's not the way I see it. I see it as they are trying to fix things. I don't see what's so wrong about that. But the main point about it is, I don't know who to listen to. I've always listened to my mom when it came to Adam and Jenna. But after talking to him on Saturday, April 10th, I'm a little lost. I thought maybe Adam and I were getting that brother-sister bond back. I could talk to him and he could give me answers. It's been a while since I've had that with him. But now Mom is saying I need to ignore it and don't act by what he says. But some of the things Adam has said to me make sense. I want to side with my mom, but at the same time, I want to somewhat defend Adam. And trying to figure this all out and who to pick and who to deal with is really causing me some migraines and it's kind of upsetting me. Also, Alex is going through a rough time now (I won't go into detail unless I have permission, which I don't at the moment) and there's nothing I can do to help him. Thus, my urge is back.

You all know my old habit of the scratching-emo method. I've referred to it as "the urge" in another post on this site. The urge is an old habit of mine that I got into the gist of doing. Every time I got upset, it was shower, go to bed, find some emo-music, and have at it. But then I decided I didn't want that habit anymore because, not only was it hurting me, it was hurting other people. So I made myself stop. And for a while, I was doing good. But now that the stress and pressure is back on the table, I'm feeling the need to start up again. I'm sure you all have some habits you think you need to break, and they may not be as severe as mine. But this little tip might help you (I just hope it helps me).

Keep yourself distracted, for one thing. If you make it so that you have no time or reason to do whatever it is that you want, then you won't be able to. For instance. I want to scratch myself up. So to keep my mind off of it, I'm focusing on my novels and on my school work. And I guess you could say writing this entry is a distraction as well. Another tip that may work is try to get some help. This is my way of getting help; by talking it out and putting it out there. But really you can talk to anyone or write it in a journal (my poor journal hears too much about my problems. Feel sorry for it. It needs support). A third tip that might keep you from giving into your habit is keep reminding yourself why you can't do it. For me, I just remember who else I'm hurting and what can happen if I try to do it again: Alex could get fed up and leave, Mom could put me in therapy or on anti-depressants, I could accidentally hit a nerve or something, teachers might see, I won' t get my Swiss army knife back, etc. So really, breaking your habit (no matter what it is) just requires some mental reminders and distractions. Wish me luck with my own advice. I think I'm going to need it. :(

-BloodyShadows-Insomniac-

My Apologies

Readers,

I know this blog hasn't exaclty been what I promised you. There hasn't been much advice in a few months and it hasn't been much of the blog that I wanted it to be. Instead it has become more of a junk fourm then anything else. This is mostly because the things I was hoping to post about when it comes to advice were not permited by the family or by friends. I wanted this blog to help people find someone to connect with and to find help where they needed it. But it's not turning out that way, and for this I am sorry. I'm going to try to make this blog more of what I expected it to be. If you have any questions or anything you would like me to write about, please email me at knowurenemy13@yahoo.com. I'd be more then happy to personally help my readers here at BloodyShadows.

The goal here at www.bloodyemoshadows.blogspot.com was to help others. And it hasn't been doing that at all. And for this, you have my apologies. Please, if you have any ideas or need any help with an issue, email me and I'll be happy to help you. I'm going to try to make things a lot more like they should be around here. Thanks.

- BloodyShadows -

Song of the Day - Dirty Little Secret

This has been a favorite song of mine for a few years. I've been listening to it a lot this week, though I'm not really sure why. It's nice to walk to. Anyways, here's Dirty Little Secret by The All American Rejects. Check it out at

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/19314417675 Song number 2. Thanks!!

"Dirty Little Secret"

Let me know that I've done wrong
When I've known this all along
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret

Who has to know
When we live such fragile lives
It's the best way we survive
I go around a time or two
Just to waste my time with you

Tell me all that you've thrown away
Find out games you don't wanna play
You are the only one that needs to know

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret

Who has to know
The way she feels inside (inside)
Those thoughts I can't deny (deny)
These sleeping thoughts won't lie (won't lie)
And all I've tried to hide
It's eating me apart
Trace this life out

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret)

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret
Dirty little secret
Dirty little secret

Who has to know
Who has to know

Ok, Ok, I'll Be Nice...

So. I've been hearing from a lot of people asking about mine and Alex's book still. So, on the special occasion that Alex's birthday was March 26 (which was Friday), he's requested that I post a section of part 2 for you guys as an even closer look. Alex and I are ecstatic that you guys are loving our book so much. He says thanks and he hopes we get a lot more fans. Anyways, here by request of Alex, is a chapter from Part 2. Enjoy!!!



Chapter Twenty-Nine: Burning in Hell

After Ace disappeared, I collapsed on the floor, wrapping my arms around myself. I couldn’t believe it. I’d gotten Ace back…and I let him slip through my fingers.
“You ok…?” Blackrider asked, stepping towards me. I didn’t look up at him.
“S’not me I’m worried about…” I mumbled. I put my hand on my stomach as I looked at the spot where Ace had disappeared.
“He’ll come back. Ace wouldn’t leave you here. You and I both you that.” Blackrider replied. I snapped my eyes to his as they started to water.
“He’s going to Hell, Blackrider. Do you honestly think…?” I exclaimed, close to hysterics.
“I don’t know, Kasey. I’m just saying that Ace has never just up and left before. Not like this.” He sighed. I was silent as I thought about it. No, Ace wasn’t just going to leave me here, especially with his son. But he’d come very close to death multiple times. And he had just up and left….who’s to say he wouldn’t just stay there?
I thought about my baby. I didn’t want him growing up without a father; his father. Adrian was going to need someone to take care of him. I couldn’t do it on my own. He would need someone to teach him how to defend himself and how to make it in this hell of a world. I wasn’t any good at that…Ace had to do it.
“If push comes to shove…I can help you. With the kid, I mean.” Blackrider offered. I looked at him with gratitude, but shook my head.
“No, I don’t…I appreciate it, but…” I struggled.
“You’d rather have the kid raised by his own father.” He finished. I nodded.
“Understandable…” He mumbled. He held out his hand for me to help me up. I passed up his hand and grabbed his wrist, pulling myself up. Once stable, I mentally called for Aric, Race, and Dad. They appeared shortly after. Race looked around for a minute.
“Where’s Ace?” He asked cautiously. I opened my mouth, but I couldn’t make the words form. I started to cry again and shook my head.
“If he went and left you with that kid, I’ll kill him.” Aric growled. I shot him a dirty look, death in my eyes. Dad looked to Blackrider for an explanation.
“They fixed whatever problem was going on. But Blackmoon showed up shortly after and dragged Ace to Hell.” Blackrider explained shortly.
“That fucking P.O.S. is still alive?” Aric snapped. I nodded, my hands trailing to my stomach. A sharp pain hit me and I winced, hissing a breath between my teeth.
“Is the baby ok?” Race asked.
“I think Blackmoon may have tried to kill it, but Ace stopped him. Kid might just be shaken. Should be ok.” Blackrider continued. I sighed in relief. Thank God for that. I wondered how he knew, but now wasn’t the time to ask.
“Speaking of him, Kasey, your mother wants to know if you want someone to help you find a house.” Dad asked. I hesitated.
“I was…kinda counting on moving into Ace’s old house after we’re officially married.” I murmured. I knew Ace wouldn’t object, but I hadn’t brought it up yet. Dad shrugged and nodded in understanding.
“You can always stay at home too.” He sighed. I nodded. There was a long silence as we all reflected on this Hell-Dragging incident. I continued to let tears fall here and there. I couldn’t take it anymore.
“Can you bring him back…? Can’t you go get him…?” I whispered, wiping the tears away.
“I don’t know, Kasey. But I do know that Blackmoon is going to do everything he can to get rid of your boyfriend. The only way to get rid of Blackmoon is to kill him and bury him in Hell itself.” Dad explained.
“I’ll do it.” Aric and Race said together. I snapped my gaze from the floor, to my brothers.
“Why you?” Blackrider asked.
“Ace is about to be our brother and have our nephew. It’s just kind of…essential.” Race shrugged.
“Race, you’re staying here.” Aric argued, trying to play hero.
“Suck it, Aric. I’m going.” Race countered. He looked to Dad for help and received nothing more then a shrug.
“I said I’m doing this alone! You can go to Hell!” Aric snapped.
“I’m trying! You won’t let me!” Race growled. Aric started to teleport to Hell, which was something not a lot of vampires could do. If Aric went now, we were stuck here. And knowing him, he’d screw the whole thing up and get both him AND Ace killed. I curled my fist and nailed him in the side of the head, causing Aric to lose his concentration and the teleportation to hesitate. Race grabbed onto his arm and I wrapped my arms around Race’s waist.
“You can’t go! The baby!” Race exclaimed, trying to get me off of him with his free hand.
“It’s not like I’m leaving the baby here, Race! I’m going too! He’s my boyfriend!” I snapped.
“You stupid asses! Get off!” Aric snarled. Before anyone could do anything, we were teleporting to the pits of Hell. I thought I heard Dad call us a bunch of idiots, but I wasn’t sure.
Once we were there, Aric shoved Race and me off. From the ground, I looked around. Everything was covered in thin layers of smoke. The would-be sky was a bloody red mixed with an orange color. It was very bare land and very warm. I feared for Adrian in this heat, but I had a feeling we’d find Ace quick enough.
“You’d better hope we can find him down here without too much trouble. Fire shifting is an out. This is Hell. It LIKES fire.” Aric grumbled to Race and me. I stood up and looked toward my brothers. I shook my head.
Sorry guys. This is my business. I thought to them.
“What?! What about the kid?! You can’t” – Aric began. I didn’t hear him after that. I was too busy shooting towards Hell’s cemetery. At least that’s what my instincts were telling me. Somehow….I just knew the layout of the underworld. I shot forward as fast as I could, knowing Ace was fighting, not just for his own life, but for the life of his forming family.


Sorry it's not much but hey, this chapter's important! :) And what's with the "baby" you ask? You'll just have to back-track and find out when I send this out publicly. LOL. Thanks for reading!!

-BloodyShadows - Kat & Alex -

School's in Session

I'm back in school today; back to the computer where I type this on a regular basis. LOL. Anyways, I'm sort of glad that school is back in session. I get to see Alex now and I get to see my friends; get some social time in there. At the same time, however, this sucks. No more naps or playing with the baby. No more walks when it's nice out at two or three. No more Billy the Exterminator or Avatar, or That 70's Show. But that's ok. School is school right? It's gonna be a very busy first week back.

Today I have to get my report card and catch up with people. Tuesday I have to get my report card (if I didn't already), deal with my community service crap, and teach at PSR. Not to mention deal with Hillary's birthday (love ya Hillz!!) Wednesday I'm going on a field trip so I need to make sure I only bring my Spanish stuff and I have to make sure to run things by Alex. Thursday I've probably got Eli, but I'm not sure what I've got going on. Friday is Alex's birthday so I've gotta make sure to dress pretty for him (I like surprising him with the occasional decent shirt and jeans) and give him 95% of my attention (the other 5% for school), and I believe we have Eli that day. Busy Busy week.

As for Spring Break, it was alright. Hung out with Meagan a few times (God love you Meagan!) and talked to Alex every day. I got some new books and stuff. Got some private time with the baby. Got some girl time with the Mama. Things were good. I'm going to miss sleeping in until, what, one or two. I'm also gonna miss my wake-up calls from Alex. Unless we're off on weekdays, I don't usually get those anymore. Now I'm back to working my ass off to help Alex get straight A's (his new goal), get my permit (I'd like it before March 30), and wearing Alex's clothes because I can. LOL.

Sorry the blog hasn't been as full of drama and Hell as you might expect. Life just hasn't been Hell. And I guess that's a good thing. What little bad things have happened, I was requested not to post about. So sorry guys. If you have anything I should write about for experience or whatever, hit me up. I could use some ideas. And hey, tell some of your friends about this. I think I've got four or five readers right now (Ryan, Hillary, Meagan, Jessica, and Mallory). Request this blog to people. Get me some feedback? Thanks!

- BloodyShadows

Another Peak???

I know you all want to read the book that Alex and I have been working on still. Well, good news! We finished writing it, and I'm waiting for him to give me part three so I can finish typing. I've got all of part one done and most of part two. Parts three and four haven't been started, but I'll get on it ASAP. Anyways, here's a more exciting scene from part one. This is after the story starts to pick up a little bit. Here's yet another sneak peak to mine and Alex's book. Enjoy!!

PS - If you have any ideas for a title, email me at knowurenemy13@yahoo.com. We...we're a little stuck and can't figure it out. I've been calling it Iced with Fire (just sounds cool LOL) but I seriously need a title here. So. Any ideas???

Chapter Nineteen: Goodbye

I started to get nauseous and the room started to spin. I backed away from the door and fell on the couch, curling up into a ball. Blackmoon was still alive….He’d been alive the whole time….
“Ace…” I said worriedly, curling up tighter as I started to shake.
“Hold on a minute, Kase…” Ace mumbled.
“The note said to come to this address. It said you would know where they were.” Ghostheart explained. He wasn’t too bad looking. Brown hair that was relatively short with blue eyes, standing around five foot nine. Ace grabbed the note from his hand and tore it open, reading it carefully.
“God damn it…” Ace growled. I held back tears as I remembered everything about Blackmoon in one horrible flashback; his tone, his face, and more importantly, his touch. I gagged slightly, but help myself together. Maybe having Ace claim me again so soon after…well, maybe it hadn’t been such a good idea after all.
“You know this guy? What reason would he have to take my parents?” Ghostheart questioned. His fangs glinted in the sunlight.
“Yeah. We’re all too familiar with this asshole…” Ace growled.
“What happened when he was dealing with you?” Ace’s friend asked, looking back at me. Ace shot a sympathetic glance my way and I couldn’t help but let out a whimper of fear. He pulled Ghostheart in a little closer and explained everything; every gruesome detail, making sure I couldn’t hear him. I heard Ghostheart inhale sharply and cast a sorrowful look in my direction.
“I’m sorry…” He mumbled.
“We thought he was dead after that. Obviously not…” Ace sighed.
“Ace…” I tried again.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, turning to face me. I shuddered and sat up a little, making sure I met Ace’s eyes.
“I don’t want him to find me…he’s just gonna…he’ll…what if…” I couldn’t bring myself to finish. Ace came over to the couch and sat down next to me. I lay down again and settled my head in his lap. I started to shake a little harder.
“Shh…he’s not gonna touch you ever again…” Ace murmured, smoothing my hair gently. Even still, I curled up against him and took a few deep, shuddering breaths.
“Why would he go after my parents?” Ghostheart asked again, coming further into my house.
“To get to me…he wants me out of the way so he can have Kasey. I guess the only way to make it happen was to move down the list.” Ace explained. I tried to sit up, but suddenly, my head began to pound. Blackmoon’s voice appeared in my head. “If you want to save the boy’s parents, then you, NOT that boyfriend of yours, better meet me in that clearing by sundown.” The voice growled.
“Kase, what’s wrong? Say something.” I heard Ace say as he shook my shoulder. I didn’t respond. I was almost afraid to. “If not, I’ll kill the boy’s parents AND your boyfriend. Tell the boy to return to his house. His parents will be there. You know my terms, Kasey. Come back to me and serve me, or I’ll kill the kid’s parents where they stand and you’ll lose that bastard, Ace, forever.” The voice hissed. I snapped my eyes shut and shook my heard to clear my thoughts. Ace…..I didn’t have a choice. I was going back, whether I was scared or not.
“Kasey, what the hell is going on?” Ace demanded as I stood up. I faced the boys.
“I know where his parents are…” I whispered.
“Where?!” Ghostheart gasped.
“They’re at your house as of now…but they’ll be killed if I don’t go back…” I mumbled, shaking.
“Go where?” Ghostheart asked. Ace already knew…
“The clearing, Ace. He’s gonna kill both Ghostheart’s parents and you if I don’t go back…” I explained to Ace through my forming tears. Ace froze.
“No, Kase. You’re not” –
“Ace, please. Just…let me do this…for you. To keep you safe.”
“Absolutely not! You don’t belong to him, Kasey! You don’t serve him! I claimed you! You’re mine!” Ace snapped, getting upset.
“I always will be yours Ace…” I said. I approached him slowly and pulled him closer to me.
“Kasey, you are NOT” – he was cut off by my lips crushing his. I kissed him for exactly two minutes, and then pulled away slowly.
“I love you Ace, and I’ll only ever truly belong to you. But…just remember…I did this to save you.” I said through the hot, rapid tears.
“Kase…no…”
“I love you.” I whispered.
“Kasey, don’t” – but I turned away from him and burst out the door, running at an almost blindingly fast speed. Blackmoon wasn’t going to touch Ace, especially if I could be the one to stop him. I was terrified of what lay ahead of me, but I’d go through it all for Ace. Forgive me, Ace…I’m doing this for you…I love you… I thought. And I picked up the pace and continued toward the clearing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Excellent timing, Kasey.” Blackmoon grinned from the center of the clearing, flashing his fangs. I did my best to keep the same emotionless expression that I used to give my father. Due to my newfound speed, it’d only taken ten of the thirty minutes to get there.
“Here.” Blackmoon said, tossing me a pocket knife that was very different from my own. This one was a little rusted on the edges and it was sharper.
“What’s this for?” I mumbled lowly, looking the knife over while I tried to hide my fears. He chuckled a little.
“So clueless. You are going to kill some people for me, Kasey.” He laughed. I gasped a little, almost dropping the knife. Not….
“That includes Ace, your brothers, and eventually, yourself when I have no more use for you.” He explained, drawing closer to me. I clenched my fists as my body heated up in rage.
“No. Never.” I growled, looking him right in the eyes. Blackmoon’s smile faded.
“You’ll have to kill me before I harm any of them.” I snarled, baring my fangs so the setting sun glinted off them. Blackmoon came closer to me then I was comfortable with. I closed the knife and slid it into my cargo pocket, and then turned to run. I didn’t get very far before he teleported in front of me, twisted my arms behind my back and tied them together again, tighter then before.
“Don’t want to listen? Then at least remain silent.” He hissed in my ear.
“Suck cock.” I spat. He struck me in the face and shoved me into the dirt. He dug through my pockets for the knife and pulled it out, flipping it open. He held it to my throat, preparing to slit it. I was horrified and scared, but I wasn’t going to let it show this time. It was my will and want to save Ace, even if it meant dying for him. I love you, Ace. I thought as the pressure of the rusty knife was applied to my throat.

Song of the Day - Breaking the Habit

Another awesome song introduced to my by my friend/brother Justin. He said it was his theme song, and after listening to it, I realized it was kind of mine too. When I get all emo or whatever, this is defiantly my song. Check it out at:
http://www.playlist.com/playlist/19314417675 (song number 4)

Here's the lyrics!

Breaking The Habit - Linkin Park

Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again

[Bridge:]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again

[Bridge:]
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight

[Bridge:]
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends

[Chorus:]
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Tonight

Check This Out!!

I found my new favorite gem stone. It's call Alexandrite (LOL ironic??) and it's really pretty. Check out this article from Wikipedia:

The alexandrite variety displays a color change (alexandrite effect) dependent upon the nature of ambient lighting. This colour shift is independent of any change of hue with viewing direction through the crystal that would arise from pleochroism. Both these different properties are frequently referred to as "color change", however. Alexandrite results from small scale replacement of aluminium by chromium ions in the crystal structure, which causes intense absorption of light over a narrow range of wavelengths in the yellow region of the spectrum. Alexandrite from the Ural Mountains in Russia is green by daylight and red by incandescent light. Other varieties of alexandrite may be yellowish or pink in daylight and a columbine or raspberry red by incandescent light. The optimum or "ideal" color change would be fine emerald green to fine purplish red, but this is exceedingly rare. Because of their rarity and the color change capability, "ideal" alexandrite gems are some of the most expensive in the world.

According to a widely popular but controversial story, alexandrite was discovered by the Finnish mineralogist Nils Gustaf Nordenskiöld, (1792–1866) on the tsarevitch Alexander's sixteenth birthday on April 17, 1834 and named alexandrite in honor of the future Tsar Alexander II of Russia. Sometimes, Nils Gustaf Nordenskiöld is confused with his son, Adolf Erik Nordenskjöld (1832–1901), also a famous Finnish geologist, mineralogist and Arctic explorer who accompanied his father to the Ural Mountains to study the iron and copper mines at Tagilsk in 1853. However, Adolf Erik Nordenskiöld was only two years old when Alexandrite was discovered and only ten years old when a description of the stone was published under the name of Alexandrite for the first time.


Alexandrite step cut cushion, 26.75 cts. Alexandrites this large are extremely rare.Although it was Nordenskiöld who discovered alexandrite, he could not possibly have discovered and named it on Alexander's birthday. Nordenskiöld's initial discovery occurred as a result of an examination of a newly found mineral sample he had received from Perovskii, which he identified as emerald at first. After the discovery of emeralds in the roots of an upturned tree, the first emerald mine had been opened in 1831, not long before Nordenskiöld had received this particular sample.[4]

Confused with the high hardness however, he decided to continue his examinations. Later that evening, while looking at the specimen under candlelight, he was surprised to see that the color of the stone had changed to raspberry-red instead of green. Later, he confirmed the discovery of a new variety of chrysoberyl, and suggested the name "diaphanite"[2] (from the Greek "di-", twice- and "aphanès", inapparent[dubious – discuss]).

The name of the first person to actually find this stone is unknown. However, the first person to bring it to public attention, and ensure that it would be forever associated with the Imperial family was Count Lev Alekseevich Perovskii (1792-1856.)[5]

The finest alexandrites up to 5 carats (1,000 mg) are being found in the Ural Mountains, but the largest cut stones are in the 30 carats (6.0 g) range, though many fine examples have been discovered in Sri Lanka (up to 65 cts.), India (Andhra Pradesh), Brazil, Myanmar, and especially Zimbabwe (small stones usually under 1 carat (200 mg) but with intense color change). Overall, stones from any locale over 5 carats (1.0 g) would be considered extremely rare, especially gems with fine color change. Alexandrite is both hard and tough, making it very well suited to wear in jewelry.

The gem has given rise to the adjective "alexandritic", meaning any transparent gem or material which shows a noted change in color between natural and incandescent light. Some other gem varieties of which alexandritic specimens have been found include sapphire, garnet, and spinel.

Some gemstones described as lab-grown (synthetic) alexandrite are actually corundum laced with trace elements (e.g., vanadium) or color-change spinel and are not actually chrysoberyl. As a result, they would be more accurately described as simulated alexandrite rather than synthetic but are often called Czochralski Alexandrite after the process that grows the crystals.

Synthetic alexandrite is used as an active laser medium. Alexandrite laser crystals tend to be round, with a pale brown tint.

Genuine alexandrite is one of the most expensive gemstones available commercially, with the stronger color changes being more highly valued. The following are average retail prices for alexandrite in December 2004 from The International Gem Society[6]:

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alexandrite#Alexandrite)

It's a really pretty stone and I love it. :) I usually post in my Computer Grapics class at school every other day. But since I'm on break, and I don't have Computer Graphics, I'll have to make do. Anyways, I didn't have any ideas, but this stone really is interesting. So I thought it'd be cool to post about it. Thanks!

- BloodyShadows

Song of the Day: Break - Three Days Grace

This song is another on my playlist. www.playlist.com under KTPayne. Check it out!! :)


Break -Three Days Grace

Tonight, my head is spinning
I need something to pick me up
I’ve tried but nothing is working
I won’t stop
I won’t say I’ve had enough
Tonight, I start the fire
Tonight, I break away

[Chorus:]
Break away from everybody
Break away from everything
If you can’t stand the way
This place is
Take yourself to higher places

(ohhh, ohhh)

At night I feel like a vampire
It’s not right
I just can’t give it up
I’ll try to get myself higher
Let’s go
We’re going to light it up
Tonight we start the fire
Tonight we break away

[Chorus:]
Break away from everybody
Break away from everything
If you can’t stand the way
This place is
Take yourself to higher places

If you can’t stand the way this place is
Take (take) yourself (yourself)
To higher places

[Chorus:]
Break away from everybody
Break away from everything
If you can’t stand the way
This place is
Take yourself to higher places

(ohh…higher places)
(ohh…to higher places)
(ohh…higher places)
Take yourself to higher places

Fast Approaching....

Spring Break is just around the corner. It starts on Friday, March 12, [2010]. Unfortunately, it's not going to be much of a break for me. I've got so much to do and so much to finish up that it's just going to be a break from school; where as I need a break from life.

During Spring Break, I don't expect to go anywhere or see anyone. All my friends are either going somewhere or are grounded. My usual "posse" is Meagan, Allison, Alex, and Sia. Sia and Alex are always grounded. And Meagan and Allison? No offence guys, but you're never here anyways. So. LOL. So, my break will most likely be spent on the computer; working on my two novels and such, babysitting, studying to get my permit (testing in April...finally...heh heh), and cleaning house. Maybe if I'm lucky, Mom and I can sneak out for a while; hit a mall or go to lunch. She needs a break too. I also have to shop for Alex and Meagan's birthday. Alex's is on March 26, and Meagan's is on March 29 (that's also my 18 month anniversary with Alex. We don't celebrate; I just like to keep track. LOL). I'm not sure what anyone wants, but I've got a few ideas. Seeing as Meagan, like my brother Ryan, reads this blog, I can't say my ideas for her (Ha ha Meagan. Ha ha). But Alex doesn't (no Internet access. At least I hope he doesn't read this LOL) so I can tell you my ideas for that.

I don't want to get him anything off the wall or anything that will piss off his parents (though everything seems to piss them off...). So it won't be anything too horrible. I was thinking maybe this Green Day t-shirt I was looking at. He's been big into Green Day for a few months now (he even made me put 75% of my Green Day music on his MP3 player. LOL), so I think that might work. Maybe I could get him a CD or somethin. He hasn't been real out-in-the-open with what he wants. He doesn't really like it when I get him stuff; says I shouldn't have to waste money I don't have on him. And since I don't have a lot of money anyways, I know he's right. But I don't care. I'd feel bad if I didn't get him anything. Guys, if you have any idea as to what he's going to want, help me out.

Like I said, the break isn't going to be much of a break. In past years, I spent Spring Break cleaning up my bike. I'd wash it and prep it and get it ready for a week's worth of racing and riding after school once break was over. But, thanks to my dad, I no longer HAVE my bike. When he was finishing the garage, he left it in the rain for over a month and the brakes rusted. And Mom ended up selling it to her friend for $25. It was worth at least $80 before the breaks rusted (Thanks so much, Dad, for destroying one of my most prized possessions and means of transportation and outdoor enjoyment *says with sarcastic hate*). I intend on maybe using Ryan's old bike if he'll let me. Seeing if I can make it work for me. It's a nice one, so I'll be careful with it. But if I need to get out of my house, I'd prefer a bike over running or walking. KEEP THE TRADITION ALIVE (that Dad tried to kill LOL).

Hope Break is alright for you readers out there. Thanks for checkin in!

-BloodyShadows - The Emo Juliet -

Good Times, Good Times

Well, I'm not a liar anymore. Alex told his mom, either that or she found out, that we were lying. We had been on the phone Sunday night and it had been about an hour and a half. Suddenly, his phone died and the line went out. So I called back. As soon as he answered, he said he was sorry and I blew it off. Then he said he had to go. So I told him that was alright and went to hang up. And Alex says "Oh wait, I love you." And I said "Love you too." And we hung up. But after we hung up, I didn't get that strange feeling in my stomach or head. Everything still felt okay, so I wasn't sure what was going on. I assumed that maybe I was just getting used to it so it wasn't going to show as much. But there was a buzzing in the back of my head saying he'd gotten caught.

The next day, I got to school and he had this smile on his face. I looked at him in confusion and he said his mom found out we were lying. What I'm guessing is that he purposely said "I love you." in front of them so that they would know. So I see at as, he told them. Either way works. I feel a lot better and a lot less stressed. Alex says his mom wasn't mad about that though. Said she was more pissed off that he was on the phone when he wasn't supposed to be. I guess I can understand that. We didn't mean to be on that long and technically, we weren't supposed to be on at all. Oh well. He's only been caught once or twice. They ought to know Alex isn't going to go six months without calling.

I've got a feeling about this month, and it's a little confusing. The good half is saying Alex will be ungrounded this next grade card. And he'll be able to come over again around his birthday on March 26th. So I'm hoping I'm right this time. I don't have a present for him yet. Don't know if I'm gonna get him anything. Maybe a Green Day t-shirt? He's big into Green Day lately (my fault. LOL.) I'll have to ask my Mom. Also, Ryan's birthday is tomorrow, March 3rd. I know we're doing a family dinner. Tonight I've got to get his present finished and make his sign for our door on the computer. I'd tell you what I'm working on, but Ryan reads this blog so it would ruin the surprise (sorry Ry!).

The other half of the feeling in my head is saying something bad is going to happen, but it's not going to be with Alex. It's going to be with someone in my family. I don't know who though. It doesn't make any sense. Adam and Krista are officially finished. Ryan hasn't done anything that I'm aware of and neither has Emily. That leaves me, Jenna, and the parents. Me? The only thing that could cause problems is Alex and he's not around as of now. Jenna? Not likely. Mom and Dad? That's a toss up. I'm not sure and it's bothering me. I guess I'll have to start sneaking peaks and eavesdropping. LOL Ok, maybe not that but I've got to find a way to get information. Since I don't know what it is, I can't promise I'll post anything about it. If I can't, then sorry readers. If I can, well...sorry readers. Heh heh.

Anyways, maybe things are going to somewhat go back to normal. I hope they do. I need some normal in my life. Oh, and I'm currently working on two novels. The one and Alex and I just finished up writing, and a new one with my friend Hillary called Shadow Wings. If you're interested, e-mail me at knowurenemy13@yahoo.com for details. Part one of the book with Alex (still needs a title) is done. So anyone who wants it, hit me up. Thanks readers!

-BloodyShadows - The Emo Juliet -

Hell

I don't know if I can keep this thing with Alex up. I hate lying and I'm doing it everyday without speaking. My mother and Jenna know what's going on. They are about ready to call his parents, go over there, and and fix this. Honestly? I don't care. Normally I'd put up a fight and say "No, you can't do that!". But when they brought it up yesterday, I said "Go ahead. Not like anythings gonna change. They'd find out we're faking, maybe make him do it for real. Whatever. Can't get any worse.". So now they're all worried.

I don't know why I'm letting it bother me so much. It shouldn't. I'm not having to tell my parents that I left Alex and make it seem convincing. Alex has to do that. He told me when he gets home, he literally disconnects himself from me. He tells himself that I'm gone and that I'm not coming back. And it makes him this vile person. And that's how he is keeping them convinced. And that might be why it's affecting me. I know when somethings wrong with him. I don't know how. I just do. And every time I'm at home, I feel as if everything is gone, including him. I feel like he doesn't care if I'm breathing or not anymore. And it's because he's having to force it that way for his stupid parents.

I hate them. I wish they would just disappear. Leave Alex here for a month. Just let me have him and a NORMAL relationship. Everyone thinks we're so perfect; that nothing is wrong between us. The kisses between classes and everything...don't mean crap when it comes to that. We're not perfect. We're f**king ruined. We're just good at pulling it off as a perfect set. Love wise, we are perfect. Outside of that? We're nothing but shattered glass. And by the time this is all over, we might not be anymore then a pile of smokey ashes. And that's what I'm afraid of. I don't want this. I keep telling him to reverse this before it gets any worse; before one of us makes a mistake and they find out. But he's not listening; saying that if we want things to be ok, we've got to do this. But I don't WANT to do this. I want to be in the relationship I was in with him. I don't care that he's always grounded. I don't care that they hate me anymore. I just want them to know the truth and I want things to be ok again. I was happier when I wasn't a dirty liar.

I haven't really done anything I shouldn't. I popped some pills so I could sleep. Did that for a day or two. Before bed I took a lot of medication to knock me out. Didn't help. Just made me feel like @#$% so I haven't done it again. Just stuck with my cold medicine, which isn't working either. I haven't used my nails or anything so I'm proud of that much. I wonder when I'll snap. That's not gonna be pretty. Hey maybe I'll actually not do it at all. That'd be nice. But I don't know what'll happen, so I'm just going one day by miserable day at a time.

I look like hell still. Worse then I did a few days ago. I've had friends asking me why I don't just stay home. I keep saying I've got no reason. Yeah, I don't feel good. Yeah, I'm miserable. But I've got no fever and you can't stay home for a cold; much less because you're depressed. It doesn't work that way. I wish it did. I would've stayed home all week. Then I never would've found out about all of this. But no. I had to find out that his parents think I'm nothing. And I had to find out that we're "broken up" outside of school. And I had to be told he's going out of town for the weekend, to make matters worse. I don't want any of this anymore. I want it all to stop.

All I know is all my good thoughts are gone. Even happy memories have been turned into vile thoughts that I shove away. I don't want them right now. It only makes it hurt more. I'll deal with this over the weekend. I'll pretend every thing's ok the best I can. Won't be much of a convincing act, but it'll do. Maybe. I need to get out of the house; distract myself. If I could drive (this is where it'd be nice to have a permit), I'd just go out driving. Car rides help me relax. Do does walking, but it's too cold here (stupid weather). I don't want to be in that house. I don't want to be near my pictures. I might even take my dog tag off for the weekend...I'm still unsure. I feel exposed without it...eh....I'll find something. Maybe Mom will take just me and her out to dinner. Or maybe Jenna will take me on another mall trip like last night.

Honestly? I need to go to Georgia with my cousin CJ. CJ and I always make a good set when I'm depressed. He's depressed right now too, so we could help each other. Some TV, popcorn, and talking to CJ...yeah, that might help. A lot. Georgia is a whole nother place from Missouri. No Alex (which is difficult, but maybe I need a day or two?), none of this @#$% with his parents, no worries about Brett or Krista...just me and CJ in Georgia watching TV from ten to ten. That'd be nice...too bad we can't afford it. I wanna get out of Hell...but it looks like I'm stuck here. I wanna go home so bad...but...I guess I'm just screwed to stay here. Thanks so much to the bastards that won't let me leave. I hate you @$$holes too.

-BloodyShadows - The Emo Juliet -

"Someone asked me if I missed you. I didn't answer. I just closed my eyes and walked away and whispered "So Much..." - Anonymous

The Emo Juliet

Alright...Alex and I have decided not to break up. However....he told his parents that we did. His parents now think we're split, maybe even for good. From what I understand, they're making comments and asking questions. Alex says yesterday that his mother asked where his necklace was and he said he was still wearing it. She asked why and he said he didn't know. Alex and I have different points when it comes to parents. If I was doing this and Mom asked where my dog tag was, I'd say I was wearing it. And if she asked why, I'd say "Because this isn't permanent, I still love him, and I don't want to take it off." Mom would be nice enough to leave it at that. Anyways, that's the plan. To pull a Romeo and Juliet kind of thing. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm living a lie. I feel like everything I thought was perfect is really just...nothing.

I can't explain it. I don't want to be around anyone. I just wanna go to bed and listen to my music. I can hardly talk to Alex about it, but he keeps bringing it up so I just answer and respond in monotone. He knows that I'm upset about it, but he can't understand why. How am I supposed to explain it if I don't really know why myself? I feel...hated. Like...now that I know his parents really do hate me, it's like....killing me. I tried so hard and changed so many things...I gave up calling him. I stopped begging for him to come over. I pretty much gave up writing notes. What more do they want? What, do they want me dead or something? What did I do to them? Yes, I've made some mistakes. No, it wasn't anything life changing; at least it wasn't supposed to be. I don't know what to do. I feel like physically, Alex is my boyfriend. But mentally...he's not. He's only my boyfriend in school, not outside of it. And it doesn't feel right to me. I don't like it. It hurts and it makes me think that he left, even though he didn't.

Alex says this is all going to be over soon and that as soon as he gets the grades up, he's telling his parents that we "got back together". What then? What will they say? And there's so many things that could go wrong! They might try to hook him up with someone else for one thing. What if they find out we're lying? What about everything Alex has that's mine? My pictures, my notebooks, that necklace....what's going to happen to all of it? I don't usually get scared over little stuff like this, but honestly? I'm terrified. Everyday is like waking up in Hell; somewhere that isn't home, that isn't normal. Somewhere where everything is always going wrong and trying to kill me off. I should be happy, for God sakes. Alex is still with me; lying to his parents and literally putting his life on the line to make sure we stay together. Ryan's 21st birthday is next week. Adam is back in the family and he and Jenna are doing better. What the Hell is wrong with me? Why is it effecting me so much? Why the Hell do I care if they hate me? I've got Alex don't I? I just...don't know anymore. I feel like everything is crashing down; like this is only the beginning. I don't know what to do this time. And it's terrifying me. What the Hell am I supposed to do...when outside of school....I'm not KTPayne. I'm just...Katlyn. What am I going to do when the rest of the world comes crashing down on my head if I can't handle this? I'm so confused.....

-BloodyShadows - The Emo Juliet -

Shattered

Hell is beginning to break loose again...Alex got an eight hour Saturday for forgetting his ID and being tardy to class. This was last week. Well...now it's Monday. He's served the detention and he's still grounded. More then grounded. We're dead. His parents are being complete idiots, not even giving anyone a chance to explain anything. They want us to split, and soon. They think it's my fault and that I'm the one who did this. They think I'm the one making his grades drop, when in reality, I'm the one who's helping them come up. They think it's my fault he forgot his ID and got the detention. I don't even see how that's possible.... And the tardies? One of the three was my fault. The other two were due to clogged hallways and things of that nature. This isn't fair. This isn't right. Why should we have to split because they can't seem to listen?

Alex says everything's going to work out ok, but he always says that. This time he says we don't have to split or anything. And that they'll get over it. But I've got a really REALLY bad feeling...that we're going to end up splitting for a few months....and it's going to be this week. I don't know what's telling me this; maybe the nauseating feeling in my stomach or my pounding migraine. All I know is if this happens....I don't want anyone being mad at Alex. It's not his fault and I'll be getting back together with him. We won't stay separated long. It's not possible. If we do this.....I'll do my best not to think about it too much. Because he'll come back. I know he'll come back.

But....at the same time, it's not going to be the same if these next few months are split. No walks to class. No jackets. No kisses. No phone calls. Nothing. I'll see him. We'll talk. But....nothing. And I can't do that. It's not fair. I don't want this. If he does this and we split until things get better...and then we get back together...what if it's not the same? I'm hoping that Alex keeps to his promise that he made just minutes ago and doesn't leave....but if he has to, at least for a while...I'll understand. And I'll just pray he comes back if he does...I'll pray every night that things go back to normal. I know Alex doesn't want this. I know he doesn't. This isn't fair and he knows it. I can tell he's upset about it, but I know he's thinking about it. I just hope that whatever decision he makes will turn out ok. I hope he comes back to me if he leaves. I hope he never leaves if he stays.

I'm really scared and really confused. This wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't supposed to turn out like this. Even sitting here right now thinking about it....my mind can't comprehend it. My eyes keep watering and I'm shaking a little. I don't want this.....I can't do this....I'm going to need help if we do this.....a lot of freaking help....because I can't do this on my own...and neither can he....we're going to need each other and if we can remain best friends...then that's what we'll do; help. But if not...and we have to avoid each other to make things easier until....then....I'm going to need help.

Dear God, please don't let this happen. I know I don't deserve him. I know I'm not the best person in the world for him. But I can't lose him, God. I can't. I love him, God, please don't let his parents take him from me...please...I don't know how else to beg...take away my belongings; my texting, my phone, my computers, my books , take it all. Just don't take Alex. Don't take him from me, please...even if it's just for a while...please don't take him from me....I'm begging you....please...Don't make us break apart because of this...give us strength and make it through this...please....don't let them take Alex from me God, please....I need him...I love him...God, please....Amen....

PS - If this happens, swear to me you will NOT be mad at Alex, all of you who read this. It's not his fault. He doesn't want to to this....we just don't see what other options we have....we don't know whatelse to do anymore....please promise me; swear to me you won't be mad at him...because thats only going to hurt me more...not to mention him....please, you've got to swear...don't be mad at him...because this isn't what we want...we just don't know where to turn anymore....

Song of the Day - Give Me a Sign

And here's my song of the day...I guess. It's really good so click the link to check it out. Or you can find it on my playlist at:

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/16977998347

It's song number 129 on the playlist titled 100% KTP. Here's the lyrics to the song, Give Me a Sign by Breaking Benjamin

"Give Me A Sign"

Dead star shine
Light up the sky
I'm all out of breath
My walls are closing in
Days go by
Give me a sign
Come back to the end
The shepherd of the damned

I can feel you falling away

No longer the lost
No longer the same
And I can see you starting to break
I'll keep you alive
If you show me the way
Forever - and ever
the scars will remain
I'm falling apart
Leave me here forever in the dark

Daylight dies
Blackout the sky
Does anyone care?
Is anybody there?
Take this life
Empty inside
I'm already dead
I'll rise to fall again

I can feel you falling away

No longer the lost
No longer the same
And I can see you starting to break
I'll keep you alive
If you show me the way
Forever - and ever
the scars will remain
I'm falling apart
Leave me here forever in the dark

God help me I've come undone
Out of the light of the sun
God help me I've come undone
Out of the light of the sun

I can feel you falling away

No longer the lost
No longer the same
And I can see you starting to break
I'll keep you alive
If you show me the way
Forever - and ever
the scars will remain

Give me a sign
There's something buried in the words
Give me a sign
Your tears are adding to the flood
Just give me a sign
there's something buried in the words
Give me a sign
Your tears are adding to the flood
Just give me a sign
There's something buried in the words
Give me a sign
Your tears are adding to the flood

Forever - and ever
The scars will remain...

(Give Me a Sign - Dear Agony - Breaking Benjamin)

The Urge....

I've realized a few things about myself in the past few weeks. But there's a story behind it. Back at the beginning of the month, when things were going on with Brett, I got frustrated and pissed and scratched the hell out of my left arm. It almost looked like I'd taken a knife to it, but in reality, it was only my fingernails. I ended up telling my mom about it so she didn't find out from another source. Mom says it's the way I filter my anger. No, she's not happy about it, but she understands it and is going to help me stop. Anyways, it's not exactly Emo, because it's not about getting attention or because I'm depressed. I do it, from what my mom has explained, because I get so upset and pissed off, sometimes guilty, and a whole bunch of other feelings and I don't know how to deal with it. So I take it out on myself. What's funny about it though...I don't usually remember doing it until I wake up the next morning and read through my text messages and anything I wrote on. But there's one thing that I DO remember that's impossible to forget. The urge to do it in the first place.

It usually starts when I'm lying in bed at night. I'll start to think about something that happened earlier in the day (such as the fight with Brett), or even back so many months ago (like the crap with Krista and Adam). I do my best to push the thoughts from my mind. And I'll blast my music in my headphones and try to distract myself. But...it doesn't always work. When it doesn't, what happens is I get this restless feeling in my feet and hands. I get a raging migraine sometimes. My stomach will start to feel uneasy and I'll start to cry. This usually happens when I'm seeing flashbacks in my head, or hearing something that someone said. Then my body seems to heat up, as if it's on fire. I tend to text things that shouldn't be thought or said and I usually write down some feelings, trying to get it to stop. When it doesn't stop, I bite my nails, due to nerves, but I guess that's what makes the ridges that make the cuts. After that, it's all a blank wall. I don't remember.

I always know something is going to happen to me when I get that heated feeling in my body and when I seem to be so pissed off that nothing can calm me down. It doesn't matter how hard I resist it. Because it's going to happen anyway. This last time, I vaguely remember going to the bathroom and getting some water. I remember blasting my music to the point you'd think my headphones were going to explode. I tried rolling over and sleeping. I even threw on a hoodie so my arm was harder to get to. Yet, when I woke up the next morning, there were a bunch of scratches on my arm, my hoodie was on the floor, and there were a bunch of texts that I don't remember sending. I hate it. And I wish there was a way to fix it. But everything I try fails. It's like there's no way around it.

I hate doing it. It makes me feel horrible. Especially when Alex or Justin finds out and I have to deal with the scoldings or the punishments or whatever they come up with. Sometimes Justin will stop talking to me. Alex will call me and give me a speech about it. And it always makes me feel like @#$%. Because it's not like I didn't try not to. And it's not like I like doing it. I don't do it for attention or to make people feel sorry for me. I do it out of anger, guilt, being upset. And like I've said, it's not like I remember it....I always feel like trash and like I need to disappear when I do it. So I'm doing my best to stop. I think maybe writing this and explaining it will help me to understand it as much as you. Because, even as I'm sitting here writing this, it's confusing the hell out of me. Maybe this will help. Anyways....if you've got any kind of ways to help me avoid "The Urge"...let me know. I need all the help I can get.

Book Preview

Check out this preview for my book. I posted an earlier preview last month. Here is another one. It's not the best chapter. They haven't been typed yet. This is one of the less exciting ones, but it's still good, I guess. This is before everything starts happening.

Chapter Three: Images

When the boy’s lips left mine, I was wide eyes and gasping quietly. He was smirking at me.
“Uh…thank you. That was…nice…” I stuttered. He chuckled.
“Glad to be of service.” He said. I realized that I didn’t even know his name.
“I think it’s kind of essential that I know your name. Especially if I’m dating you.” I blushed.
“Ace. What about you?” he smiled. I was hypnotized by the perfection.
“Kasey. But ah…I try to go by Kase.” I started. Ace laughed.
“Ace. Kase. Ha.” He smiled at me again, flashing his fangs. As I laughed at the irony, I pictured his fangs going into me and taking my blood. Suddenly, my left wrist started burning.
“Ouch! Dammit!” I growled, examining my icy wrist. I noticed a long, forming scar from my suicide attempt. I took a deep breath. Had I really tried to…kill myself?
“Don’t try that again.” Ace said, seriously. I glanced up at him in confusion.
“No reason for it. And I do want to know the whole story sometime.” He continued. I nodded, feeling like I was being grounded. Could boyfriends ground you? I wondered and came up with the conclusion that most didn’t, but Ace probably would. I picked up my knife and wiped it on my red shirt (convenient, no?) and went to place it back in my bag.
“Ah, no. Hand it over, Kasey. I’m gonna hold that for you.” Ace demanded. I sighed, wanting to argue, but handed it over without a fight. Something about him just told me to listen.
“Meet me here tomorrow. Same time. I want this suicide story of yours.” Ace grinned. I smiled and nodded again. He kissed me shortly for the final time, and I’m sure I felt shock of electricity, but I blew it off.
“Tomorrow then. Bye, Ace.” I blushed. He nodded towards me and smiled. We turned our backs and walked away.

When I reached my house, I went around to the back and came in through the kitchen. Mom was leaning against the counter, talking on the phone. Mom was 5’5 and had light brown hair that was the same length as mine. She had eyes like Race and the personalities of Early and Aric. I glanced down at my arms to make sure my jacket sleeves were covering the new cuts. The ice melted on the walk home and I was relieved that the blood had stopped flowing. Mom hung up the phone and smiled at me.
“Where have you been, Kase?” She asked, pretending to be pissed.
“Out walking like always.” I smiled. I wasn’t revealing my scars and bloody cuts. She frowned at the bloody stains on my clothes and face.
“What’s with the blood, kid?” She questioned. You wouldn’t think a vampire would mind a little blood. However, this wasn’t a little and I’d forgotten to clean up thanks to Ace.
“Um…” I paused, praying for an explanation. Mom frowned and crossed her arms.
“You’ve been…cutting. Haven’t you?” She sighed. Shit. Busted. I nodded slowly, admitting my fault.
“I told you to quit doing that stuff months ago, Kasey. Now hand that knife over.” She scolded. I froze, remembering I didn’t have it on me anymore.
“Uh…see here’s the thing, Mom….I don’t have it anymore.” I said quietly.
“Well, then where is it?” She asked, knowing I was a bad liar. Did I dare to say who took it from me? She might not believe it. Still…
“My…boyfriend.” I explained, hesitantly. Mom’s face brightened and she smiled at me.
“When did this boyfriend happen?”
“Just today when I….got caught in the act.” I continued, “He saw me and took my knife. And he asked me out.” I was careful to avoid the suicide attempt.
“Name?” she continued, prying at my emotions.
“His name is Ace.” I explained. Mom sighed in relief.
“Finally. Someone to take care of you when I’m not here.” She said. I laughed quietly to myself. I had a feelings that saying yes to Ace was going to save me, if not from Dad then, from myself.
“Go wash up before your dad gets home and sees all that blood.” Mom laughed. I sighed, my good mood fading fast. Why couldn’t Dad just disappear. As I turned away and walked toward the stairs, I head Mom whisper,
“You know he loves you.” I nodded, but I knew those words were nothing but lies.
I walked upstairs to the bathroom and stripped from my bloody, damp clothes. Turning on the shower, I stepped into the hot water. As I washed off the red liquid and thought of my earlier attempt, Ace’s image appeared in my head. I paused as his flawless picture flashed through my mind.
Ace had bleach white hair that was tipped with the darkest of blacks and styled in a spiked fashion. His eyes were pitch black and rimmed with a bloody red. Rimmed eyes were rare, so that, to me, made Ace even more fascinating and amazing. I forced myself to ignore his image as I dried off and dressed in a pair of long, black, flannel pants and a form fitting black and silver tank top. I brushed my dark hair and pulled the upper layers into a ponytail, leaving the lower layers down. I felt a presence in my room, but I couldn’t imagine who would be at my house after 9:00 PM. I shook my head and curled up in a ball on my bed.
I wanted Ace to be here. I knew something was off if I’d just met him and I wanted him like this. More images of him popped into my mind, some of which I don’t even know where they came from. These images seemed to ease the burning sensation of my scars and body. I closed my eyes and passed out, dreaming of Ace, my newfound savior and obsession.