The Urge....

I've realized a few things about myself in the past few weeks. But there's a story behind it. Back at the beginning of the month, when things were going on with Brett, I got frustrated and pissed and scratched the hell out of my left arm. It almost looked like I'd taken a knife to it, but in reality, it was only my fingernails. I ended up telling my mom about it so she didn't find out from another source. Mom says it's the way I filter my anger. No, she's not happy about it, but she understands it and is going to help me stop. Anyways, it's not exactly Emo, because it's not about getting attention or because I'm depressed. I do it, from what my mom has explained, because I get so upset and pissed off, sometimes guilty, and a whole bunch of other feelings and I don't know how to deal with it. So I take it out on myself. What's funny about it though...I don't usually remember doing it until I wake up the next morning and read through my text messages and anything I wrote on. But there's one thing that I DO remember that's impossible to forget. The urge to do it in the first place.

It usually starts when I'm lying in bed at night. I'll start to think about something that happened earlier in the day (such as the fight with Brett), or even back so many months ago (like the crap with Krista and Adam). I do my best to push the thoughts from my mind. And I'll blast my music in my headphones and try to distract myself. But...it doesn't always work. When it doesn't, what happens is I get this restless feeling in my feet and hands. I get a raging migraine sometimes. My stomach will start to feel uneasy and I'll start to cry. This usually happens when I'm seeing flashbacks in my head, or hearing something that someone said. Then my body seems to heat up, as if it's on fire. I tend to text things that shouldn't be thought or said and I usually write down some feelings, trying to get it to stop. When it doesn't stop, I bite my nails, due to nerves, but I guess that's what makes the ridges that make the cuts. After that, it's all a blank wall. I don't remember.

I always know something is going to happen to me when I get that heated feeling in my body and when I seem to be so pissed off that nothing can calm me down. It doesn't matter how hard I resist it. Because it's going to happen anyway. This last time, I vaguely remember going to the bathroom and getting some water. I remember blasting my music to the point you'd think my headphones were going to explode. I tried rolling over and sleeping. I even threw on a hoodie so my arm was harder to get to. Yet, when I woke up the next morning, there were a bunch of scratches on my arm, my hoodie was on the floor, and there were a bunch of texts that I don't remember sending. I hate it. And I wish there was a way to fix it. But everything I try fails. It's like there's no way around it.

I hate doing it. It makes me feel horrible. Especially when Alex or Justin finds out and I have to deal with the scoldings or the punishments or whatever they come up with. Sometimes Justin will stop talking to me. Alex will call me and give me a speech about it. And it always makes me feel like @#$%. Because it's not like I didn't try not to. And it's not like I like doing it. I don't do it for attention or to make people feel sorry for me. I do it out of anger, guilt, being upset. And like I've said, it's not like I remember it....I always feel like trash and like I need to disappear when I do it. So I'm doing my best to stop. I think maybe writing this and explaining it will help me to understand it as much as you. Because, even as I'm sitting here writing this, it's confusing the hell out of me. Maybe this will help. Anyways....if you've got any kind of ways to help me avoid "The Urge"...let me know. I need all the help I can get.