The Emo Juliet

Alright...Alex and I have decided not to break up. However....he told his parents that we did. His parents now think we're split, maybe even for good. From what I understand, they're making comments and asking questions. Alex says yesterday that his mother asked where his necklace was and he said he was still wearing it. She asked why and he said he didn't know. Alex and I have different points when it comes to parents. If I was doing this and Mom asked where my dog tag was, I'd say I was wearing it. And if she asked why, I'd say "Because this isn't permanent, I still love him, and I don't want to take it off." Mom would be nice enough to leave it at that. Anyways, that's the plan. To pull a Romeo and Juliet kind of thing. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm living a lie. I feel like everything I thought was perfect is really just...nothing.

I can't explain it. I don't want to be around anyone. I just wanna go to bed and listen to my music. I can hardly talk to Alex about it, but he keeps bringing it up so I just answer and respond in monotone. He knows that I'm upset about it, but he can't understand why. How am I supposed to explain it if I don't really know why myself? I feel...hated. Like...now that I know his parents really do hate me, it's like....killing me. I tried so hard and changed so many things...I gave up calling him. I stopped begging for him to come over. I pretty much gave up writing notes. What more do they want? What, do they want me dead or something? What did I do to them? Yes, I've made some mistakes. No, it wasn't anything life changing; at least it wasn't supposed to be. I don't know what to do. I feel like physically, Alex is my boyfriend. But mentally...he's not. He's only my boyfriend in school, not outside of it. And it doesn't feel right to me. I don't like it. It hurts and it makes me think that he left, even though he didn't.

Alex says this is all going to be over soon and that as soon as he gets the grades up, he's telling his parents that we "got back together". What then? What will they say? And there's so many things that could go wrong! They might try to hook him up with someone else for one thing. What if they find out we're lying? What about everything Alex has that's mine? My pictures, my notebooks, that necklace....what's going to happen to all of it? I don't usually get scared over little stuff like this, but honestly? I'm terrified. Everyday is like waking up in Hell; somewhere that isn't home, that isn't normal. Somewhere where everything is always going wrong and trying to kill me off. I should be happy, for God sakes. Alex is still with me; lying to his parents and literally putting his life on the line to make sure we stay together. Ryan's 21st birthday is next week. Adam is back in the family and he and Jenna are doing better. What the Hell is wrong with me? Why is it effecting me so much? Why the Hell do I care if they hate me? I've got Alex don't I? I just...don't know anymore. I feel like everything is crashing down; like this is only the beginning. I don't know what to do this time. And it's terrifying me. What the Hell am I supposed to do...when outside of school....I'm not KTPayne. I'm just...Katlyn. What am I going to do when the rest of the world comes crashing down on my head if I can't handle this? I'm so confused.....

-BloodyShadows - The Emo Juliet -