Hell

I don't know if I can keep this thing with Alex up. I hate lying and I'm doing it everyday without speaking. My mother and Jenna know what's going on. They are about ready to call his parents, go over there, and and fix this. Honestly? I don't care. Normally I'd put up a fight and say "No, you can't do that!". But when they brought it up yesterday, I said "Go ahead. Not like anythings gonna change. They'd find out we're faking, maybe make him do it for real. Whatever. Can't get any worse.". So now they're all worried.

I don't know why I'm letting it bother me so much. It shouldn't. I'm not having to tell my parents that I left Alex and make it seem convincing. Alex has to do that. He told me when he gets home, he literally disconnects himself from me. He tells himself that I'm gone and that I'm not coming back. And it makes him this vile person. And that's how he is keeping them convinced. And that might be why it's affecting me. I know when somethings wrong with him. I don't know how. I just do. And every time I'm at home, I feel as if everything is gone, including him. I feel like he doesn't care if I'm breathing or not anymore. And it's because he's having to force it that way for his stupid parents.

I hate them. I wish they would just disappear. Leave Alex here for a month. Just let me have him and a NORMAL relationship. Everyone thinks we're so perfect; that nothing is wrong between us. The kisses between classes and everything...don't mean crap when it comes to that. We're not perfect. We're f**king ruined. We're just good at pulling it off as a perfect set. Love wise, we are perfect. Outside of that? We're nothing but shattered glass. And by the time this is all over, we might not be anymore then a pile of smokey ashes. And that's what I'm afraid of. I don't want this. I keep telling him to reverse this before it gets any worse; before one of us makes a mistake and they find out. But he's not listening; saying that if we want things to be ok, we've got to do this. But I don't WANT to do this. I want to be in the relationship I was in with him. I don't care that he's always grounded. I don't care that they hate me anymore. I just want them to know the truth and I want things to be ok again. I was happier when I wasn't a dirty liar.

I haven't really done anything I shouldn't. I popped some pills so I could sleep. Did that for a day or two. Before bed I took a lot of medication to knock me out. Didn't help. Just made me feel like @#$% so I haven't done it again. Just stuck with my cold medicine, which isn't working either. I haven't used my nails or anything so I'm proud of that much. I wonder when I'll snap. That's not gonna be pretty. Hey maybe I'll actually not do it at all. That'd be nice. But I don't know what'll happen, so I'm just going one day by miserable day at a time.

I look like hell still. Worse then I did a few days ago. I've had friends asking me why I don't just stay home. I keep saying I've got no reason. Yeah, I don't feel good. Yeah, I'm miserable. But I've got no fever and you can't stay home for a cold; much less because you're depressed. It doesn't work that way. I wish it did. I would've stayed home all week. Then I never would've found out about all of this. But no. I had to find out that his parents think I'm nothing. And I had to find out that we're "broken up" outside of school. And I had to be told he's going out of town for the weekend, to make matters worse. I don't want any of this anymore. I want it all to stop.

All I know is all my good thoughts are gone. Even happy memories have been turned into vile thoughts that I shove away. I don't want them right now. It only makes it hurt more. I'll deal with this over the weekend. I'll pretend every thing's ok the best I can. Won't be much of a convincing act, but it'll do. Maybe. I need to get out of the house; distract myself. If I could drive (this is where it'd be nice to have a permit), I'd just go out driving. Car rides help me relax. Do does walking, but it's too cold here (stupid weather). I don't want to be in that house. I don't want to be near my pictures. I might even take my dog tag off for the weekend...I'm still unsure. I feel exposed without it...eh....I'll find something. Maybe Mom will take just me and her out to dinner. Or maybe Jenna will take me on another mall trip like last night.

Honestly? I need to go to Georgia with my cousin CJ. CJ and I always make a good set when I'm depressed. He's depressed right now too, so we could help each other. Some TV, popcorn, and talking to CJ...yeah, that might help. A lot. Georgia is a whole nother place from Missouri. No Alex (which is difficult, but maybe I need a day or two?), none of this @#$% with his parents, no worries about Brett or Krista...just me and CJ in Georgia watching TV from ten to ten. That'd be nice...too bad we can't afford it. I wanna get out of Hell...but it looks like I'm stuck here. I wanna go home so bad...but...I guess I'm just screwed to stay here. Thanks so much to the bastards that won't let me leave. I hate you @$$holes too.

-BloodyShadows - The Emo Juliet -

"Someone asked me if I missed you. I didn't answer. I just closed my eyes and walked away and whispered "So Much..." - Anonymous