If Only...(Part Four)

I think the last time I talked to him before we became non-existent was when I hooked my friend Kim up with him (I wish I hadn't done it, but she asked and at the time...he was being relatively nice). After that, we didn't talk at all. No phone calls. No emails. No texts. I thought he had my email and number blocked. I only talked to him for emergency situations. I helped Brett a few times with Kim when things between them got rough. I helped him through a few more depression/suicidal cycles against my will. Honestly, I didn't care anymore. Brett had hurt me so much and nearly killed my emotions so many times...I was starting not to care anymore.

But...I still couldn't stop myself from saving him and helping him. I still had some love for him. He was still my brother. I hated him, and I loved him. I didn't know why, but I did. I couldn't let him kill himself. I couldn't let him be miserable, as much as I wanted to. I wanted to let him hurt. I wanted him to hurt like I was hurting. I wanted him to understand what he put me though. But...I couldn't do it to him. I couldn't. Something on the inside of me refused to let me do it. I thought I was screwed into saving this jerk for the rest of my life. I couldn't stop it, and as much as I wanted him disappear and never come back, he always snaked his way back into my life. I couldn't make him disappear for more then a few months. And it all started because I had to care. I had to help him. I had to help him transfer from his private school to my public one. I had to be the one to answer the phone. And Brett had to be the one to start it all up again....

I guess now that I've gotten this far, I can tell you what happened in these past few days. After having almost no contact with him, outside of his questions about school and the one time run-in in the hallway, things between us started to heat up again. It started when Brett texted me, saying he couldn't get over Kim. He couldn't understand why she'd left him and he couldn't understand what he did wrong. All he did was talk about wanting her back. I did my best to help him by texting Kim and letting her know, but I promised myself I wasn't going to get too involved. A few days after this, I was sitting in my room reading. I guess it was about 10:30 on a Sunday night. Kim texted me and I opened my phone to read that Brett was trying to kill himself. Again. I tried to just put the phone down and ignore it, but being the compassionate idiot that I am, I had to respond. I started to text Kim and ask her questions. She said that she'd texted Brett to talk to him about my earlier text. Brett had supposedly come back at her, saying she didn't deserve to talk to him and that she wasn't worth his time. Brett told her he hated her and pretty much told her to go to Hell.

Of course, because I'm an idiot, I texted Brett and told him to knock his crap off because I knew he was lying. I knew he was only trying to get Kim to say she loved him. Brett responded and told me to shut up (I edited this content for my readers' purposes) and leave him alone. I told him that I would only leave him alone if he stopped the suicide stuff and just went to bed. Eventually he tried to call me and I rejected, seeing as I can't pick up the phone after nine thirty unless something is wrong with me or it's a weekend. All the contact with Brett stopped for the night. The next day, Brett texted me again, saying he hated me and that I was a pathetic waste of a life form. He told me I needed to get over myself. I texted the girl that I thought was his girlfriend, Rashell, only to find out later that night that he was cheating on her with a girl he met online. Later that night, Rashell was saying she wanted to break up with Brett. But she was scared to do it, because she's scared of him. So I offered to do it for her. I texted him and said "Brett, Rashell wants you to call her. Bye." And tried to leave it at that. Brett had other plans in mind...