Hell

I don't know if I can keep this thing with Alex up. I hate lying and I'm doing it everyday without speaking. My mother and Jenna know what's going on. They are about ready to call his parents, go over there, and and fix this. Honestly? I don't care. Normally I'd put up a fight and say "No, you can't do that!". But when they brought it up yesterday, I said "Go ahead. Not like anythings gonna change. They'd find out we're faking, maybe make him do it for real. Whatever. Can't get any worse.". So now they're all worried.

I don't know why I'm letting it bother me so much. It shouldn't. I'm not having to tell my parents that I left Alex and make it seem convincing. Alex has to do that. He told me when he gets home, he literally disconnects himself from me. He tells himself that I'm gone and that I'm not coming back. And it makes him this vile person. And that's how he is keeping them convinced. And that might be why it's affecting me. I know when somethings wrong with him. I don't know how. I just do. And every time I'm at home, I feel as if everything is gone, including him. I feel like he doesn't care if I'm breathing or not anymore. And it's because he's having to force it that way for his stupid parents.

I hate them. I wish they would just disappear. Leave Alex here for a month. Just let me have him and a NORMAL relationship. Everyone thinks we're so perfect; that nothing is wrong between us. The kisses between classes and everything...don't mean crap when it comes to that. We're not perfect. We're f**king ruined. We're just good at pulling it off as a perfect set. Love wise, we are perfect. Outside of that? We're nothing but shattered glass. And by the time this is all over, we might not be anymore then a pile of smokey ashes. And that's what I'm afraid of. I don't want this. I keep telling him to reverse this before it gets any worse; before one of us makes a mistake and they find out. But he's not listening; saying that if we want things to be ok, we've got to do this. But I don't WANT to do this. I want to be in the relationship I was in with him. I don't care that he's always grounded. I don't care that they hate me anymore. I just want them to know the truth and I want things to be ok again. I was happier when I wasn't a dirty liar.

I haven't really done anything I shouldn't. I popped some pills so I could sleep. Did that for a day or two. Before bed I took a lot of medication to knock me out. Didn't help. Just made me feel like @#$% so I haven't done it again. Just stuck with my cold medicine, which isn't working either. I haven't used my nails or anything so I'm proud of that much. I wonder when I'll snap. That's not gonna be pretty. Hey maybe I'll actually not do it at all. That'd be nice. But I don't know what'll happen, so I'm just going one day by miserable day at a time.

I look like hell still. Worse then I did a few days ago. I've had friends asking me why I don't just stay home. I keep saying I've got no reason. Yeah, I don't feel good. Yeah, I'm miserable. But I've got no fever and you can't stay home for a cold; much less because you're depressed. It doesn't work that way. I wish it did. I would've stayed home all week. Then I never would've found out about all of this. But no. I had to find out that his parents think I'm nothing. And I had to find out that we're "broken up" outside of school. And I had to be told he's going out of town for the weekend, to make matters worse. I don't want any of this anymore. I want it all to stop.

All I know is all my good thoughts are gone. Even happy memories have been turned into vile thoughts that I shove away. I don't want them right now. It only makes it hurt more. I'll deal with this over the weekend. I'll pretend every thing's ok the best I can. Won't be much of a convincing act, but it'll do. Maybe. I need to get out of the house; distract myself. If I could drive (this is where it'd be nice to have a permit), I'd just go out driving. Car rides help me relax. Do does walking, but it's too cold here (stupid weather). I don't want to be in that house. I don't want to be near my pictures. I might even take my dog tag off for the weekend...I'm still unsure. I feel exposed without it...eh....I'll find something. Maybe Mom will take just me and her out to dinner. Or maybe Jenna will take me on another mall trip like last night.

Honestly? I need to go to Georgia with my cousin CJ. CJ and I always make a good set when I'm depressed. He's depressed right now too, so we could help each other. Some TV, popcorn, and talking to CJ...yeah, that might help. A lot. Georgia is a whole nother place from Missouri. No Alex (which is difficult, but maybe I need a day or two?), none of this @#$% with his parents, no worries about Brett or Krista...just me and CJ in Georgia watching TV from ten to ten. That'd be nice...too bad we can't afford it. I wanna get out of Hell...but it looks like I'm stuck here. I wanna go home so bad...but...I guess I'm just screwed to stay here. Thanks so much to the bastards that won't let me leave. I hate you @$$holes too.

-BloodyShadows - The Emo Juliet -

"Someone asked me if I missed you. I didn't answer. I just closed my eyes and walked away and whispered "So Much..." - Anonymous

The Emo Juliet

Alright...Alex and I have decided not to break up. However....he told his parents that we did. His parents now think we're split, maybe even for good. From what I understand, they're making comments and asking questions. Alex says yesterday that his mother asked where his necklace was and he said he was still wearing it. She asked why and he said he didn't know. Alex and I have different points when it comes to parents. If I was doing this and Mom asked where my dog tag was, I'd say I was wearing it. And if she asked why, I'd say "Because this isn't permanent, I still love him, and I don't want to take it off." Mom would be nice enough to leave it at that. Anyways, that's the plan. To pull a Romeo and Juliet kind of thing. I don't know why, but I feel like I'm living a lie. I feel like everything I thought was perfect is really just...nothing.

I can't explain it. I don't want to be around anyone. I just wanna go to bed and listen to my music. I can hardly talk to Alex about it, but he keeps bringing it up so I just answer and respond in monotone. He knows that I'm upset about it, but he can't understand why. How am I supposed to explain it if I don't really know why myself? I feel...hated. Like...now that I know his parents really do hate me, it's like....killing me. I tried so hard and changed so many things...I gave up calling him. I stopped begging for him to come over. I pretty much gave up writing notes. What more do they want? What, do they want me dead or something? What did I do to them? Yes, I've made some mistakes. No, it wasn't anything life changing; at least it wasn't supposed to be. I don't know what to do. I feel like physically, Alex is my boyfriend. But mentally...he's not. He's only my boyfriend in school, not outside of it. And it doesn't feel right to me. I don't like it. It hurts and it makes me think that he left, even though he didn't.

Alex says this is all going to be over soon and that as soon as he gets the grades up, he's telling his parents that we "got back together". What then? What will they say? And there's so many things that could go wrong! They might try to hook him up with someone else for one thing. What if they find out we're lying? What about everything Alex has that's mine? My pictures, my notebooks, that necklace....what's going to happen to all of it? I don't usually get scared over little stuff like this, but honestly? I'm terrified. Everyday is like waking up in Hell; somewhere that isn't home, that isn't normal. Somewhere where everything is always going wrong and trying to kill me off. I should be happy, for God sakes. Alex is still with me; lying to his parents and literally putting his life on the line to make sure we stay together. Ryan's 21st birthday is next week. Adam is back in the family and he and Jenna are doing better. What the Hell is wrong with me? Why is it effecting me so much? Why the Hell do I care if they hate me? I've got Alex don't I? I just...don't know anymore. I feel like everything is crashing down; like this is only the beginning. I don't know what to do this time. And it's terrifying me. What the Hell am I supposed to do...when outside of school....I'm not KTPayne. I'm just...Katlyn. What am I going to do when the rest of the world comes crashing down on my head if I can't handle this? I'm so confused.....

-BloodyShadows - The Emo Juliet -

Shattered

Hell is beginning to break loose again...Alex got an eight hour Saturday for forgetting his ID and being tardy to class. This was last week. Well...now it's Monday. He's served the detention and he's still grounded. More then grounded. We're dead. His parents are being complete idiots, not even giving anyone a chance to explain anything. They want us to split, and soon. They think it's my fault and that I'm the one who did this. They think I'm the one making his grades drop, when in reality, I'm the one who's helping them come up. They think it's my fault he forgot his ID and got the detention. I don't even see how that's possible.... And the tardies? One of the three was my fault. The other two were due to clogged hallways and things of that nature. This isn't fair. This isn't right. Why should we have to split because they can't seem to listen?

Alex says everything's going to work out ok, but he always says that. This time he says we don't have to split or anything. And that they'll get over it. But I've got a really REALLY bad feeling...that we're going to end up splitting for a few months....and it's going to be this week. I don't know what's telling me this; maybe the nauseating feeling in my stomach or my pounding migraine. All I know is if this happens....I don't want anyone being mad at Alex. It's not his fault and I'll be getting back together with him. We won't stay separated long. It's not possible. If we do this.....I'll do my best not to think about it too much. Because he'll come back. I know he'll come back.

But....at the same time, it's not going to be the same if these next few months are split. No walks to class. No jackets. No kisses. No phone calls. Nothing. I'll see him. We'll talk. But....nothing. And I can't do that. It's not fair. I don't want this. If he does this and we split until things get better...and then we get back together...what if it's not the same? I'm hoping that Alex keeps to his promise that he made just minutes ago and doesn't leave....but if he has to, at least for a while...I'll understand. And I'll just pray he comes back if he does...I'll pray every night that things go back to normal. I know Alex doesn't want this. I know he doesn't. This isn't fair and he knows it. I can tell he's upset about it, but I know he's thinking about it. I just hope that whatever decision he makes will turn out ok. I hope he comes back to me if he leaves. I hope he never leaves if he stays.

I'm really scared and really confused. This wasn't supposed to happen. This wasn't supposed to turn out like this. Even sitting here right now thinking about it....my mind can't comprehend it. My eyes keep watering and I'm shaking a little. I don't want this.....I can't do this....I'm going to need help if we do this.....a lot of freaking help....because I can't do this on my own...and neither can he....we're going to need each other and if we can remain best friends...then that's what we'll do; help. But if not...and we have to avoid each other to make things easier until....then....I'm going to need help.

Dear God, please don't let this happen. I know I don't deserve him. I know I'm not the best person in the world for him. But I can't lose him, God. I can't. I love him, God, please don't let his parents take him from me...please...I don't know how else to beg...take away my belongings; my texting, my phone, my computers, my books , take it all. Just don't take Alex. Don't take him from me, please...even if it's just for a while...please don't take him from me....I'm begging you....please...Don't make us break apart because of this...give us strength and make it through this...please....don't let them take Alex from me God, please....I need him...I love him...God, please....Amen....

PS - If this happens, swear to me you will NOT be mad at Alex, all of you who read this. It's not his fault. He doesn't want to to this....we just don't see what other options we have....we don't know whatelse to do anymore....please promise me; swear to me you won't be mad at him...because thats only going to hurt me more...not to mention him....please, you've got to swear...don't be mad at him...because this isn't what we want...we just don't know where to turn anymore....

Song of the Day - Give Me a Sign

And here's my song of the day...I guess. It's really good so click the link to check it out. Or you can find it on my playlist at:

http://www.playlist.com/playlist/16977998347

It's song number 129 on the playlist titled 100% KTP. Here's the lyrics to the song, Give Me a Sign by Breaking Benjamin

"Give Me A Sign"

Dead star shine
Light up the sky
I'm all out of breath
My walls are closing in
Days go by
Give me a sign
Come back to the end
The shepherd of the damned

I can feel you falling away

No longer the lost
No longer the same
And I can see you starting to break
I'll keep you alive
If you show me the way
Forever - and ever
the scars will remain
I'm falling apart
Leave me here forever in the dark

Daylight dies
Blackout the sky
Does anyone care?
Is anybody there?
Take this life
Empty inside
I'm already dead
I'll rise to fall again

I can feel you falling away

No longer the lost
No longer the same
And I can see you starting to break
I'll keep you alive
If you show me the way
Forever - and ever
the scars will remain
I'm falling apart
Leave me here forever in the dark

God help me I've come undone
Out of the light of the sun
God help me I've come undone
Out of the light of the sun

I can feel you falling away

No longer the lost
No longer the same
And I can see you starting to break
I'll keep you alive
If you show me the way
Forever - and ever
the scars will remain

Give me a sign
There's something buried in the words
Give me a sign
Your tears are adding to the flood
Just give me a sign
there's something buried in the words
Give me a sign
Your tears are adding to the flood
Just give me a sign
There's something buried in the words
Give me a sign
Your tears are adding to the flood

Forever - and ever
The scars will remain...

(Give Me a Sign - Dear Agony - Breaking Benjamin)

The Urge....

I've realized a few things about myself in the past few weeks. But there's a story behind it. Back at the beginning of the month, when things were going on with Brett, I got frustrated and pissed and scratched the hell out of my left arm. It almost looked like I'd taken a knife to it, but in reality, it was only my fingernails. I ended up telling my mom about it so she didn't find out from another source. Mom says it's the way I filter my anger. No, she's not happy about it, but she understands it and is going to help me stop. Anyways, it's not exactly Emo, because it's not about getting attention or because I'm depressed. I do it, from what my mom has explained, because I get so upset and pissed off, sometimes guilty, and a whole bunch of other feelings and I don't know how to deal with it. So I take it out on myself. What's funny about it though...I don't usually remember doing it until I wake up the next morning and read through my text messages and anything I wrote on. But there's one thing that I DO remember that's impossible to forget. The urge to do it in the first place.

It usually starts when I'm lying in bed at night. I'll start to think about something that happened earlier in the day (such as the fight with Brett), or even back so many months ago (like the crap with Krista and Adam). I do my best to push the thoughts from my mind. And I'll blast my music in my headphones and try to distract myself. But...it doesn't always work. When it doesn't, what happens is I get this restless feeling in my feet and hands. I get a raging migraine sometimes. My stomach will start to feel uneasy and I'll start to cry. This usually happens when I'm seeing flashbacks in my head, or hearing something that someone said. Then my body seems to heat up, as if it's on fire. I tend to text things that shouldn't be thought or said and I usually write down some feelings, trying to get it to stop. When it doesn't stop, I bite my nails, due to nerves, but I guess that's what makes the ridges that make the cuts. After that, it's all a blank wall. I don't remember.

I always know something is going to happen to me when I get that heated feeling in my body and when I seem to be so pissed off that nothing can calm me down. It doesn't matter how hard I resist it. Because it's going to happen anyway. This last time, I vaguely remember going to the bathroom and getting some water. I remember blasting my music to the point you'd think my headphones were going to explode. I tried rolling over and sleeping. I even threw on a hoodie so my arm was harder to get to. Yet, when I woke up the next morning, there were a bunch of scratches on my arm, my hoodie was on the floor, and there were a bunch of texts that I don't remember sending. I hate it. And I wish there was a way to fix it. But everything I try fails. It's like there's no way around it.

I hate doing it. It makes me feel horrible. Especially when Alex or Justin finds out and I have to deal with the scoldings or the punishments or whatever they come up with. Sometimes Justin will stop talking to me. Alex will call me and give me a speech about it. And it always makes me feel like @#$%. Because it's not like I didn't try not to. And it's not like I like doing it. I don't do it for attention or to make people feel sorry for me. I do it out of anger, guilt, being upset. And like I've said, it's not like I remember it....I always feel like trash and like I need to disappear when I do it. So I'm doing my best to stop. I think maybe writing this and explaining it will help me to understand it as much as you. Because, even as I'm sitting here writing this, it's confusing the hell out of me. Maybe this will help. Anyways....if you've got any kind of ways to help me avoid "The Urge"...let me know. I need all the help I can get.

Book Preview

Check out this preview for my book. I posted an earlier preview last month. Here is another one. It's not the best chapter. They haven't been typed yet. This is one of the less exciting ones, but it's still good, I guess. This is before everything starts happening.

Chapter Three: Images

When the boy’s lips left mine, I was wide eyes and gasping quietly. He was smirking at me.
“Uh…thank you. That was…nice…” I stuttered. He chuckled.
“Glad to be of service.” He said. I realized that I didn’t even know his name.
“I think it’s kind of essential that I know your name. Especially if I’m dating you.” I blushed.
“Ace. What about you?” he smiled. I was hypnotized by the perfection.
“Kasey. But ah…I try to go by Kase.” I started. Ace laughed.
“Ace. Kase. Ha.” He smiled at me again, flashing his fangs. As I laughed at the irony, I pictured his fangs going into me and taking my blood. Suddenly, my left wrist started burning.
“Ouch! Dammit!” I growled, examining my icy wrist. I noticed a long, forming scar from my suicide attempt. I took a deep breath. Had I really tried to…kill myself?
“Don’t try that again.” Ace said, seriously. I glanced up at him in confusion.
“No reason for it. And I do want to know the whole story sometime.” He continued. I nodded, feeling like I was being grounded. Could boyfriends ground you? I wondered and came up with the conclusion that most didn’t, but Ace probably would. I picked up my knife and wiped it on my red shirt (convenient, no?) and went to place it back in my bag.
“Ah, no. Hand it over, Kasey. I’m gonna hold that for you.” Ace demanded. I sighed, wanting to argue, but handed it over without a fight. Something about him just told me to listen.
“Meet me here tomorrow. Same time. I want this suicide story of yours.” Ace grinned. I smiled and nodded again. He kissed me shortly for the final time, and I’m sure I felt shock of electricity, but I blew it off.
“Tomorrow then. Bye, Ace.” I blushed. He nodded towards me and smiled. We turned our backs and walked away.

When I reached my house, I went around to the back and came in through the kitchen. Mom was leaning against the counter, talking on the phone. Mom was 5’5 and had light brown hair that was the same length as mine. She had eyes like Race and the personalities of Early and Aric. I glanced down at my arms to make sure my jacket sleeves were covering the new cuts. The ice melted on the walk home and I was relieved that the blood had stopped flowing. Mom hung up the phone and smiled at me.
“Where have you been, Kase?” She asked, pretending to be pissed.
“Out walking like always.” I smiled. I wasn’t revealing my scars and bloody cuts. She frowned at the bloody stains on my clothes and face.
“What’s with the blood, kid?” She questioned. You wouldn’t think a vampire would mind a little blood. However, this wasn’t a little and I’d forgotten to clean up thanks to Ace.
“Um…” I paused, praying for an explanation. Mom frowned and crossed her arms.
“You’ve been…cutting. Haven’t you?” She sighed. Shit. Busted. I nodded slowly, admitting my fault.
“I told you to quit doing that stuff months ago, Kasey. Now hand that knife over.” She scolded. I froze, remembering I didn’t have it on me anymore.
“Uh…see here’s the thing, Mom….I don’t have it anymore.” I said quietly.
“Well, then where is it?” She asked, knowing I was a bad liar. Did I dare to say who took it from me? She might not believe it. Still…
“My…boyfriend.” I explained, hesitantly. Mom’s face brightened and she smiled at me.
“When did this boyfriend happen?”
“Just today when I….got caught in the act.” I continued, “He saw me and took my knife. And he asked me out.” I was careful to avoid the suicide attempt.
“Name?” she continued, prying at my emotions.
“His name is Ace.” I explained. Mom sighed in relief.
“Finally. Someone to take care of you when I’m not here.” She said. I laughed quietly to myself. I had a feelings that saying yes to Ace was going to save me, if not from Dad then, from myself.
“Go wash up before your dad gets home and sees all that blood.” Mom laughed. I sighed, my good mood fading fast. Why couldn’t Dad just disappear. As I turned away and walked toward the stairs, I head Mom whisper,
“You know he loves you.” I nodded, but I knew those words were nothing but lies.
I walked upstairs to the bathroom and stripped from my bloody, damp clothes. Turning on the shower, I stepped into the hot water. As I washed off the red liquid and thought of my earlier attempt, Ace’s image appeared in my head. I paused as his flawless picture flashed through my mind.
Ace had bleach white hair that was tipped with the darkest of blacks and styled in a spiked fashion. His eyes were pitch black and rimmed with a bloody red. Rimmed eyes were rare, so that, to me, made Ace even more fascinating and amazing. I forced myself to ignore his image as I dried off and dressed in a pair of long, black, flannel pants and a form fitting black and silver tank top. I brushed my dark hair and pulled the upper layers into a ponytail, leaving the lower layers down. I felt a presence in my room, but I couldn’t imagine who would be at my house after 9:00 PM. I shook my head and curled up in a ball on my bed.
I wanted Ace to be here. I knew something was off if I’d just met him and I wanted him like this. More images of him popped into my mind, some of which I don’t even know where they came from. These images seemed to ease the burning sensation of my scars and body. I closed my eyes and passed out, dreaming of Ace, my newfound savior and obsession.

If Only...(Part Five)

Brett started telling me to screw off (to put it as clean as I can) and he started spreading lies to upset me. It wasn't upsetting me; more like pissing me off. So I stopped texting him. However, his girlfriend decided to text me, getting my number from Brett. She began to threaten me (which I cannot repeat here, as I don't know if it's legal) and I showed my mother. She got upset and called my school the next morning. That day at school, I had to watch my back for Brett. Eventually, I was called down to the office. The first time was to show a police officer the text messages, but they didn't have the information he needed. The second time was the worst...they put Brett, me, and the police officer in the same room to try to figure things out. The officer said Brett gave him the same story I had, and asked which one of us was lying. I knew it was him, and even though I wasn't looking at him, I knew he was glaring at me as if to say "I dare you to say I'm the one lying.", So I just kept quiet. The officer didn't seem to pleased and asked us a yes or no question: did we want to remain in contact with each other at all? That meant if we said no, there was to be no emails, phone calls, texts, or physical contact. If we said yes, then there was nothing he could do.

Brett wanted to find a loop-hole. I wasn't sure why; probably either to continue threatening me, try to work things out (right...), or just keep me as an emergency contact. The officer said all or nothing. So we both said no. The officer then told us that we were bound by the law now. It was like an unofficial restraining order. Brett wasn't allowed to text me at all, even if it was a friendly "hi" by accident. The same went for me. No one was allowed to text for us either. If there was any contact between us and the one didn't accept the gesture, the other was going to be in some serious trouble with the law. I'm talking arrested, court hearings, and maybe some time in Juvi. So now....there's no contact. None. Zip. Nada. I haven't heard from him, he hasn't heard from me. But I'm waiting. I'm waiting for the one slip of his mouth; one slip of his finger. Because one little slip will send him to jail.

I don't know why but....I'm hurt over it. I should be happy. One of the only people who keeps trying to ruin my life is gone. He's getting transferred out of my school and moving away from down the street to go live with someone else...or some WHERE else. I don't want to know. But I can't help but be hurt and torn. I loved Brett. I thought he understood me. I thought he was going to help me; be there when Alex couldn't be. I thought Brett and I were going to stay friends forever, just like he promised. All I ended up was getting thrown around like trash and told I wasn't worth it; that I was nothing to him. I'm still upset over it. I'm still watching my back for him, even though he's gone, maybe even for good. I don't really think I'm scared of him...but that's the only way I can explain it. I think it's more that I'm afraid of what he's done; of what he COULD do. I'm scared of what's gonna happen to him, even though I shouldn't care.

After all this....I can safely say I hate Brett. I hate him with everything I have. I know it's wrong to use the term hate, but I do. I hate him. But what I don't understand is...if I hate him so much, why does him disappearing and him not being my friend anymore..hurt me so much. I expected so much more from Brett. I expected him to be better then this. But every time I see him now, and every time I talk to him....there's nothing but hatred, lies, mistrust, and death. I hate him. I hate what he did to me. I hate what he's done to all the innocent people that did as I did; thought he was a great guy...Rashell, Taylor, Mallory, Kim, Emily, heck, I even feel sorry for his "girlfriend". She didn't know he was messed up. She didn't know. I can't blame her for that.

And even though I should be happy that Brett is out of my life...I'm not. If only I could take it back. If only I could've never picked him up that first day. If only I hadn't started texting him. If only I didn't care about him.......If only I'd never met him.....If only he'd never been born.....maybe...then maybe I'd be happy. If only Brett Varady didn't exist. Then maybe my heart and my emotions wouldn't be as messed up as they are today...If only I'd let him do everything he wanted to do. If only I cared less about him. If only I could take it all back...things would be different. If only.....God, if only....

If Only...(Part Four)

I think the last time I talked to him before we became non-existent was when I hooked my friend Kim up with him (I wish I hadn't done it, but she asked and at the time...he was being relatively nice). After that, we didn't talk at all. No phone calls. No emails. No texts. I thought he had my email and number blocked. I only talked to him for emergency situations. I helped Brett a few times with Kim when things between them got rough. I helped him through a few more depression/suicidal cycles against my will. Honestly, I didn't care anymore. Brett had hurt me so much and nearly killed my emotions so many times...I was starting not to care anymore.

But...I still couldn't stop myself from saving him and helping him. I still had some love for him. He was still my brother. I hated him, and I loved him. I didn't know why, but I did. I couldn't let him kill himself. I couldn't let him be miserable, as much as I wanted to. I wanted to let him hurt. I wanted him to hurt like I was hurting. I wanted him to understand what he put me though. But...I couldn't do it to him. I couldn't. Something on the inside of me refused to let me do it. I thought I was screwed into saving this jerk for the rest of my life. I couldn't stop it, and as much as I wanted him disappear and never come back, he always snaked his way back into my life. I couldn't make him disappear for more then a few months. And it all started because I had to care. I had to help him. I had to help him transfer from his private school to my public one. I had to be the one to answer the phone. And Brett had to be the one to start it all up again....

I guess now that I've gotten this far, I can tell you what happened in these past few days. After having almost no contact with him, outside of his questions about school and the one time run-in in the hallway, things between us started to heat up again. It started when Brett texted me, saying he couldn't get over Kim. He couldn't understand why she'd left him and he couldn't understand what he did wrong. All he did was talk about wanting her back. I did my best to help him by texting Kim and letting her know, but I promised myself I wasn't going to get too involved. A few days after this, I was sitting in my room reading. I guess it was about 10:30 on a Sunday night. Kim texted me and I opened my phone to read that Brett was trying to kill himself. Again. I tried to just put the phone down and ignore it, but being the compassionate idiot that I am, I had to respond. I started to text Kim and ask her questions. She said that she'd texted Brett to talk to him about my earlier text. Brett had supposedly come back at her, saying she didn't deserve to talk to him and that she wasn't worth his time. Brett told her he hated her and pretty much told her to go to Hell.

Of course, because I'm an idiot, I texted Brett and told him to knock his crap off because I knew he was lying. I knew he was only trying to get Kim to say she loved him. Brett responded and told me to shut up (I edited this content for my readers' purposes) and leave him alone. I told him that I would only leave him alone if he stopped the suicide stuff and just went to bed. Eventually he tried to call me and I rejected, seeing as I can't pick up the phone after nine thirty unless something is wrong with me or it's a weekend. All the contact with Brett stopped for the night. The next day, Brett texted me again, saying he hated me and that I was a pathetic waste of a life form. He told me I needed to get over myself. I texted the girl that I thought was his girlfriend, Rashell, only to find out later that night that he was cheating on her with a girl he met online. Later that night, Rashell was saying she wanted to break up with Brett. But she was scared to do it, because she's scared of him. So I offered to do it for her. I texted him and said "Brett, Rashell wants you to call her. Bye." And tried to leave it at that. Brett had other plans in mind...

If Only...(Part Three)

After Brett got over it enough to talk to me, we started trying to work things out again. Even though he still blackmailed me about the kiss and made me look like the one who pulled it on him, we were still going to try to fix it. That's how much he had me. As the summer progressed, I got Brett together with my friend, Mallory. I thought maybe it would get him off his obsession with me. Unfortunately, all it did was get Mallory hurt. I almost lost my friendship with her because he was turning her against me. I still don't think we ever got it completely fixed. After the fights that occurred between us, Mallory broke up with him, confused on what to do. Between me fighting with Brett, having a BAD time with my relationship with Alex, and the crap going on with Adam...I couldn't take it anymore. I was finally starting to see what Alex, Justin, and everyone else had been trying to tell me...Brett wasn't sent to be my friend or to help me. Brett was sent into my life to try and destroy me...yet I couldn't stop myself from talking to him.

Things got to the point that I couldn't even talk to him without getting cursed out or threatened. I was slowly starting to hate him, but I couldn't stop myself from talking to him. Every time we talked it was different. One night, it was "God I HATE YOU!" And the next it was "You know I don't mean it...". I was so confused and lost...I couldn't tell which one was the lie. Brett stopped coming over after he first threatened to kill me. I couldn't sleep anymore, because I was so worried about getting hurt. I hated going outside. All I wanted to do was talk to Alex, because he made it so much better. Brett hurt me so bad that I wasn't sure if I could forgive him. We stopped talking off and on when it came to texting. We still occasionally chatted on Yahoo or through our friend Taylor. I hated talking to him...I hated it. But I couldn't stop myself from doing it. I was his friend. I still wanted to be his friend, even though I hated him. If you remember my blog, Twisted, back in January, that kind of explains why.

Eventually, we stopped talking all together, mainly by our parents orders. They were tired of trying to figure out who was lying and who wasn't. So we decided to stop all friendly communication for a while. We still had the occasional conversation through text and email. Sometimes through a three-way phone call with Taylor. It wasn't often though and when we did, it was always the same. He would blackmail me and try to get me to admit things I never did. I would ask him why he hated me for things that never happened. We'd get in an argument and stop conversations again. It got to a point where we didn't exist to each other. I didn't talk to him, he didn't talk to me. We were dead to each other...

If Only...(Part Two)

After Brett and I started hanging out again at my house, things still didn't feel right. The first time he came over after the first fight, we were...still messed up. I picked him up from down the street and we walked back to my house. I didn't want to go inside, so Brett and I hung around outside the front of my house. Meagan and Allison eventually came over to sit and chat for a few hours. Brett and I didn't really have much to add. Just a bunch or short sentences and I hate you's. It took a few times of him coming over to get back to where we were. But it still wasn't the same.

Brett started getting a little too rough with me soon after that. The time I remember most clearly was when things were getting worse with Adam. Mom asked Brett and me to take Emily out around the subdivision and walk. So we were walking. Alex had called two times before this because he knew I was hanging out with Brett that day. He didn't (and still doesn't) trust Brett, so he was making regular check-ins. And Brett and I were out walking when Alex called for his check-in. And I picked up and told Alex everything was fine. Brett got pissed off and started to walk ahead of me. I ended up filling Alex in on what was going on with Adam and what was happening with Brett. Once I'd gotten off the phone, Brett came back and we started talking. I started to tell him about everything that was going on with Adam and how it was upsetting me. I told him I'd been emo for a few months (at the time) and he got pissed off again. He grabbed my arm and told Emily to hold on. So Emily started playing in the grass and throwing rocks into the street. Brett asked what the "heck" I was thinking when I did it and I told him I didn't know, I just did it. And his grip tightened on my arm and he demanded an answer. So I made one up and told him it didn't matter anyway. And he shoved me so hard I almost fell. Scared me, to be honest. After Brett went home that day, Alex called again for another check-in and I told him...he wasn't too happy.

Brett started to get more personal as well...everything from flirting to even kissing me (We'd been hanging out in my basement and he said he needed a hug. Earlier in the week I was happy because he'd helped me and I said I could kiss him, not meaning it literally. But he took it the wrong way and caught me off guard).Alex wasn't happy at all and didn't want me talking to Brett anymore. Alex told me Brett was up to something and he didn't like how this was playing out. Little did I know...he was right....soon after the kiss, Brett started to change again. He said that I was a liar because Alex found out about the kiss (Alex figured it out so I told him...) and said that I never loved him. I did love Brett. I loved him like my brother. He was my best friend. How could I not love him? I tried telling him all of this but he wouldn't listen. We got into another fight, in which he supposedly tried to kill himself twice and cursed me out periodically. I still didn't heed Alex's warning and proceeded trying to get him back as my friend, even though he swore he hated me. I started to see what Alex meant in July when I was in Georgia and Brett began to threaten me. But...Brett had me wrapped around his finger....

If Only...(Part One)

The picture above is from my sister Emily's ninth birthday party. From right to left, it's my friend Meagan, my sister Emily, my Alex, then me, Meagan's sister and my friend Allison, Emily's friend, Emily K., and......then there's Brett. Even though it was Emily's birthday party, my mom had allowed me to have some friends over. So I invited my neighbors, Alex, and...Brett. Alex and Brett didn't really make friends, seeing as Alex is my boyfriend and Brett was another guy I was hanging out with. But...see, at the time, Brett and I had been friends; almost best friends. He got along really well with both me and my sister. In fact, Emily asked me if Brett and Alex were going to come to the party at all. Of course I said yes, and that's why Brett was there. This is back when it all started. After that day...things started going wrong.

After Emily's birthday, summer came. And Brett and I were hanging out every other day or so. Alex was grounded for stupid reasons (that I'd rather not discuss without his permission) and so Brett was my only outlet for friends, seeing as everyone else was on vacation or grounded. Well...things started getting bad when I texted Brett about Alex. I remember being really upset because things had started going wrong with my brother Adam and I couldn't reach Alex to talk about it. So I talked to Brett. And...I think one night I was extremely upset and was just begging anyone who was willing to talk to me to find a way to get me in contact with Alex. And at the time, Brett was head-over-heels for me. And I guess it bothered him. It's not like I could help it, but Brett didn't seem to care.

He pretty much told me to get over and that if Alex didn't love me enough to even call and check in, that he was a crappy boyfriend. I, of course, took offence to the comments he was making (which I will NOT repeat) and argued with him. We got in a bad argument and stopped talking for a while. The only time we talked was when he was claiming to be killing himself over me and what I'd said. He never came over. He never emailed me. It was like he'd disappeared. At this point, we were both torn over it, because we were each other's best friends. But every time we tried to fix things, it never worked and the fights got worse. After a few weeks, we promised we'd try to work things out because we missed hanging out. He'd told me he was on new medication and it wasn't working like it should've been. Brett said he didn't mean to yell, it'd just bothered him to hear so much about Alex. I, against my will and because I was in desperate need of a friend, said I'd try to keep it to a minimum. We made a few deals over text and I thought everything was OK. So I stupidly let him over to my house again a few days later...

Lost...

Just when I thought everything was gonna be OK; just when everything was going to turn out fine, something had to go wrong. A LOT of things are going wrong again. See what I mean by don't expect anything? I expected everything to end up perfect. Adam's gonna come back, Brett and I were going to maybe be friends. I made myself a new friend, Rashell, and everything was going to be OK. But....I expected too much, and now it's all going to hell. Adam is still supposed to be coming back (knock on wood here). And that's why I'm still trying to stay happy. But...all that other stuff....it was all just me being played; whether by God or the Devil, I'm not sure.

Brett and I are so much of mortal enemies now that it's not funny. All over something that shouldn't have happened. I won't give you all the details (seeing as I probably shouldn't right now) now but I will one day. And...I'll just say I think the one person I've been trying to save since day one...basically screwed me over and said I wasn't needed. Brett and I were FRIENDS. We used to hang out every day and...hell, he even promised we were always gonna BE friends. And I believed him. Now, he wants me in Hell. And even though I wish I didn't have to say this....I want him in hell just as bad (this will lead to a follow up post later).

I've been almost nonstop crying for the past two days. I'm not talking just a few tears. I mean crying like...the crying that makes your eyes throb so bad that you can't open OR close them and the kind that makes you look like you've been doing drugs when you get up and look at yourself in the mirror. And it's all over someone I shouldn't give a crap about. It's all wasted on the wrong person who doesn't care if I'm alive or dead. Why am I wasting all these tears on someone who doesn't care? I hate Brett so much...I hate him like I hate the Devil...but it's....I've been taking care of Brett like he's my brother....so it's almost...like...I hate him so much...that it hurts. I hate him but I love him. I can't explain it (more details on this later...). I want to go back to bed and wake up back in May of 2009. I want to take back everything I did wrong. I don't want to have the fight with Brett that started this whole thing; better yet, I wish we'd never met. I want to redo all the times I was grounded from Alex. I want to go back and stop myself from scratching myself that first time in March over my brother.....I wanna take it all back...I want a redo...I wanna start over...because I've been dancing with the devil for too long...and it's about time I tried to claw my way out of Hell and back into Heaven.

-BloodyShadows

"Do you know what's worth fighting for when it's not worth dying for? Does it take your breath away and you feel yourself suffocating? Does the pain weigh out the pride? And you look for a place to hide. Did someone break your heart inside? You're in ruins. One, 21 guns, lay down your arms, give up the fight. One, 21 guns, throw up your arms into the sky; you and I.When your at the end of the road, and you've lost all sense of control, and your thoughts have taken their toll, and your mind breaks the spirit of your soul. Your faith walks on broken glass. And the hangover doesn't pass. Nothings ever built to last. You're in ruins...." -21 Guns-Green Day-